My experience with the Surface RT

I first made eye contact with her across the packed hallway of the mall, but that one look was all it took. Sure, in some part of my mind, I knew it was wrong - I knew I had a loving iPad back home, and a family of iPod touches to raise. But my God... that gaping USB port, just begging to be plugged... that flatteringly supportive kickstand... what man could resist? All of my reason gave way to fiery passion as I strode over to the Microsoft Store, wallet in hand, willing to pay her pimp however much it would cost to take this magnificent piece of plastic home that night. As several hundred dollars found their way out of my bank account, it took only a single powerful gaze into that ClearType IPS display for me to know it would be worth it.

As I pulled out my iPhone to inform my wife that I would not be making it home tonight, a tinge of guilt shot up my spinal column. I would have to turn my iPhone off once I got to the hotel, lest its dual cameras witness the impure events that were to take place later that evening. I glanced over to the passenger's seat of my car, where my mistress for the evening sat quietly, wrapped up so neatly in her packaging that she was destined to shed by night's end.

When we got to the hotel room, I wasted no time at all in getting right down to business. My delicate fingers gently caressed her sleek, black box, and I could feel a single bead of sweat run down my cheek in anticipation of what was to come. Slowly, carefully, I stripped her of the plastic wrap that kept her packaging fastened, and removed the lid of her box. There she was, laid bare, for all the world to see. Just the sight of such beauty was enough to make my eyes - among other places - moist. I picked her up and held her in my arms, stroking her black glass surface as if it were the soft hair of my first lover. Oh, God, my iPad at home hadn't made me feel this way in years. This was to be a night to remember.

Hidden away in her box, I found an attachable keyboard, a kink I never would have expected from such a young, innocent paramour. Other men might be repulsed by a tablet who likes to use such... accessories, but tonight was a night for new experiences. I heard the most satisfying click as I strapped that big, black keyboard on to her lower body, and yet sadly, it didn't seem like she was feeling very turned on. Oh, right, the power button.

What happened next was an experience unlike anything before in my life. As her succulent screen lit up like a burning flame of passion, she whisked me away to a colorful world of pleasure and ecstasy the likes of which few men have ever known. It was pure physical bliss - despite her youthful appearance, you could tell she had more experience than many girls twice her age, yet still seemed as delicate as if it were her first time. My hands moved on their own as she responded euphorically to all the multitouch gestures I performed on her slick, sensitive screen. We lay there in bed all night as I learned all there was to know about her beautiful young body, ending only when her poor battery was too tired to last any longer. More satisfied than I had ever been before, I finally allowed myself to go to sleep.

When I awoke the next morning, I leapt out of the bed in horror. What last night seemed to be a gorgeous young tablet in the prime of her life now appeared before me as a stocky bald man who was laying in my bed as if he had been there all along. After sniffling and taking a quick moment to scratch his armpit, he rolled over and faced me to reveal his identity.

"B-Ballmer..." I stuttered, unsure of just how to react to the sight before my eyes. Steve just smiled and patted the bed in front of him as if inviting me back for another round of the unimaginable pleasure I had experienced last night. After taking a moment to let the initial shock of these events wear off, I found myself oddly... excited by the man's offer. Without another moment's hesitation, I got back in the bed and the two of us quickly disappeared together beneath a pile of bedsheets.