How the Grinch Stole WWDC

How the Grinch Stole WWDC

An illustrated rendition of the classic bedtime story by Dr. Seuss

Every Who down in Cupertino liked WWDC a lot...
But the Grinch, who lived just north of Cupertino,
Did NOT!

The Grinch hated WWDC! The whole Summer season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his dialup was too slow.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his computer ran Windows ME.

But, whatever the reason, his OS or his internet,
He stood there on WWDC Eve, hating the Whos,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in the Apple store.
For he knew every Who down in Cupertino beneath
Was busy now, preparing their live streams.

"And they're bookmarking their live blogs!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is WWDC! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop WWDC from coming!"

For, tomorrow, he knew... all the Who girls and boys
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their computers!
And then! Oh, the internet traffic!
Oh, the Traffic! Traffic! Traffic! Traffic!
That's one thing he hated!
The TRAFFIC! TRAFFIC! TRAFFIC! TRAFFIC!

Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down for the stream.
And they'd watch! And they'd watch! And they'd WATCH! WATCH! WATCH! WATCH!
They would watch Tim Cook Siri kick off the conference, and a Jony Ive video talking about new MacBook designs
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Cupertino, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with WWDC bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Grinch thought of this Who-Conference-Sing,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for twenty-two years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop this WWDC from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!

An awful idea! THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick pair of blue Levi's and spectacles.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!"
"With these pants and these glasses, I look just like Steve Jobs!"
"All I need is a black turtleneck..." The Grinch looked around.
But, since turtlenecks are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...? No!
The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a turtleneck, I'll make one instead!"

So he called his dog, Max. Then he took some black thread
And he sewed Max's old collar, around his shirt's neck.
THEN he loaded some bags and some old empty sacks
On a ramshackle sleigh, and he hitched up old Max.

Then the Grinch said, "Giddap!"
And the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the Whos
Lay a-snooze in their town.

Cupertino_medium

All their windows were dark. Pale moonlight filled the sky.
All the Whos were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Grinchy Jobs hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But if anyone could do it, then it was the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Who ethernet cables all plugged in a row.
"These cables," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every device!
iPods! And Apple TVs! iPhones! Mice!
Keyboards! Trackpads! Popcorn! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimbley!

"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will stuff up the computer!"
And the Grinch grabbed the computer, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Who!
Little Cindy-Lou Who, who was not more than two.

The Grinch had been caught by this tiny Who daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "Steve Jobs, why,
"Why are you taking our Computer? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Steve Jobs lied,
"There's a LED on this screen that won't light on one side.
So I'm taking it home to my machine shop, my dear.
I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Cindy-Lou Who went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the computer up!

Then the last thing he took was the router for their internet!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some USB cable.
And the one speck of food
That he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then
He did the same thing
To the other Whos' houses
Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other Whos' mouses!

It was quarter past dawn... all the Whos,
still a-bed,
All the Whos, still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their computers! The cables! The monitors!
The phones! And the routers! The speakers! The webcams!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-Pooh to the Whos!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no WWDC live stream is coming!
They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then the Whos down in Cupertino will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,
"That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the mountain.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

He stared down at Cupertino!
The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Who down in Cupertino, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any internet at all!

He HADN'T stopped WWDC from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet shaking in his New Balances,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
It came with out internet! It came without blogs!
It came without computers, iPods or phones!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!

And what happened then...?
Well, in Cupertino they say
That the Grinch's old computer
Was upgraded to Mountain Lion that day!
And the minute his computer didn't feel quite so ancient,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the computers! And the internet connection!

And he...
..HE HIMSELF...!
The Grinch conducted the live stream!

People say WWDC is like Christmas for Apple fans. This is what happens when you take that idea one step too far. Happy WWDC!