Why not a Pureview?? AKA Phone buying advice needed

I'm looking for a new phone and I have fairly specific requirements. I'm not necessarily looking for a smart phone per-se, but I do have some features that I would like the phone to be strong in. I work from home and have an iPad, so I don't need fancy apps, or a wizzy web browser. I'm not going to be using those things most of the time, if I want to play with apps or surf the web, I'll use the iPad.

I have my own thoughts on what handsets this is pointing to, but I'd rather hear what the Verge hive mind thinks. I'm thinking a Pureview - These are my requirements in order of priority

  1. Good sound quality over headphones, or plugged into a stereo.
  2. Good speaker quality.
  3. Decent battery.
  4. Must have good podcast support, either native or via an app.
  5. Good hands-free call quality.
  6. Good normal call quality.
  7. Good camera.
  8. Must be able to pick up Gmail and draft short replies, but nothing intensive.
  9. Screen should be legible outside, but I don't care too much about pixel density of colour reproduction. I'm not going to be watching videos on this thing.
  10. Finally, a web browser. Doesn't need to be great, just for occasional fact checking when I'm out and about.
  11. No physical keyboard, my Droid used to annoy the hell out of me by opening up when it was in my pocket.
  12. Maps, pref with turn-by-turn directions.

I don't care much about the thickness, or the app ecosystem. I'm not out and about much, but I want it to perform well in the core features when I am out of the house.

EDIT - updated to reflect my Pureview lust!