Mrs. Webb: Comment-Land? There's no such place.

Willy Wonka: Excuse me, dear lady, but...

Mrs. Webb: Mr. Wonka, I am a teacher of geography!

Willy Wonka: Oh, well, then you know all about it and what a terrible country it is. Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts. And the poor little Internet Commenters were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A First!-doodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the First!-doodles, and Troll-swogglers, and Pun-wangers, and rotten, Vermicious Knids."

Stories of the day:

• Office 2013 available now: Microsoft ditches DVDs in push for cloud subscriptions
• 500px photography app returns to App Store with 17+ rating after 'pornography' removal
• Brad Bird and Damon Lindelof's retro-future collaboration renamed 'Tomorrowland'

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