Verizon, this is why I hate you.

Around October of this year I began considering in earnest if I was going to maintain my Verizon plan long term. I have unlimited data and a mifi that I am able to use as a reliable source of internet both at home and on the go. I inquired several times as to how I might port my 10 year old phone number off the line so that I could have it safely tucked away in a Google voice account no matter what decision I made in the future.

My initial suggestion of creating an extra line for the purpose of holding the number for a transfer was rebuked by the CSR and I was told it was impossible. After several chats and calls over the course of the the next month or two with the intention of solving other problems that had come up on my devices or my account (some of which were successful, some of which severely tried my patience), I finally reached a CSR who understood what I was interesting in doing and walked me through the process by which I would do it and still maintain my current unlimited data plan.

She informed me that I should simply make the port request on Google's end and then call back to reactivate my account with a new number as soon as the port is completed. The simplicity of it seemed suspicious but she assured me there would be no problem. I confirmed it with her several times just to be sure.

Fast forward to this afternoon. I ported the number to Google Voice over the weekend and called to reactivate my Verizon account. This is when the fun began. I was told that the suspiciously simple strategy was in fact bullshit. I would not be able to reactivate my account with the pre-existing unlimited data plan without porting the number back from Google. My CSR then walked me through the process by which I would create a new line for the purpose of holding the number for transfer, which was the exact strategy I had initially suggested months ago.

We initiated the process of porting my number back, and was transferred from department to department, salesman to CSR and back to salesmen in order to accomplish this very simple task of reactivating my account. I was hung up on, transferred without notification or simply placed on indefinite hold more than half a dozen times. All in all I spent nearly 4 hours on the phone, mostly listening to Christmas musak and advertisements for THE NEW iPHONES! and VERIZON EDGE!

Due to the fact that my number was in the process of being ported back from Google Voice, my Verizon phone/line did not function properly and I had to carry these series of calls out on my prepaid t-mobile backup line, which charges 10 cents a minute over the 100 minutes on the monthly plan.

Basically this phone call cost me 25 bucks.

At the end of this series of calls (and luckily I had one good man on my side in their system helping to transfer me from step to step and calling me back each time they casually tossed me aside) I have accomplished nearly nothing. They have added a new 'dummy line' to my account to hold the number, but because the phone number I transferred to Google is still in the process of being ported back, the number is useless and existing in a nether-realm of my newly reactivated account.

As far as I can tell this process will eventually result in what I was attempting to accomplish, but due to the transfer fees through Google, the cost of the phone call, and other account fees involved with manipulating the Verizon account to allow the number to be properly transferred, I may be looking at nearly a hundred bucks simply to transfer a phone number.

Verizon, this is why I hate you. I can forgive a lot, but creating an intentionally labyrinthine system in order to resist accomplishing anything that isn't giving you money in some way shape or form (when I already pay you plenty every month and have for over 6 years) is bordering on sadistic. The majority of your CSR reps are apparently likewise trained to simply pawn off any calls that are not going to immediately lead to a sale of some sort, and those who resist this training seem to be hamstrung by the compartmentalization of your service system an the arbitrary limits placed upon such simple tasks as changing a phone number.

I had every intention of maintaining my plan with you until around hour 3 of my hellish afternoon, at which point I seriously considered just telling your one shining knight of customer service to reverse the transfer and close my account. Maybe you want me gone, maybe the mere existence of that unlimited data plan on my account triggers a Machiavellian subroutine within your system which attempts to slowly drive me insane enough to sign up for EDGE and a new contract with 2gb of data. Whatever it is, it is certainly driving me away from my service as it stands now.

Sort your shit out, Verizon; I just wanted to transfer a phone number.

Ron, you're a boss. If I could assassinate someone(or several someones) and bring about your ascent to the top of the Verizon CS system, I would in a heartbeat. A bloody, vengeful heartbeat.

- Devin

The moral of this story is to run, run away, run as fast as you can. Or, at the very least, don't trust anything a CSR tells you. They are evil and want to ruin your day.

Feel free to add your own stories.