I just saw Skyfall and I have to ask: Sony Xperia, really?

In Skyfall, the latest movie in the James Bond franchise, 007 pulls out a Sony Xperia T at a bar in Shanghai to check his messages. My reaction was, ‘I bet it’s a Sony phone’, and then, ‘ugh, it’s a Sony phone’. I have to admit that the glossy black, candy bar style cell phone with the vibrant four and a half inch screen looked great coming out of the breast pocket of a black Tom Ford suit. I would venture a guess that there are not many cell phones that would look ridiculous in the hands of a dapper gentleman in a $4,000 suit. Okay, maybe a cyan Nokia 920 would look a little out of place (nobody wants a cyan phone anyway). It’s difficult for me to believe that MI6 would issue a Sony Xperia unit as the standard issue super secret agent phone. Yes, it runs Android (d’uh). Yes, it has decent specs. It’s just that... well... it’s a Sony Xperia device. I just can’t make the connection in my feeble mind. It made me wonder: if I were a secret agent with a license to kill, what cell phone would I pick?

To be honest, iPhone 5 would make the perfect spy phone. I know, I know, you can’t fork iOS, which is a deal breaker; however, physically, the phone is the ideal device. It is arguably the finest crafted cell phone of all time, so there’s no problem flashing it during a high stakes poker game on an island casino somewhere in the Pacific. It houses the best cell phone camera on the market (sapphire lens casing!) and it has awesome battery life. Also, the iPhone 5 has just the right amount of weight to turn into a throwing star of cellular doom. Death by Gorilla Glass!

I would imagine that MI6 would completely gut the phone to make it, you know, James Bond worthy. I have a strong suspicion that the 007 phone would run a forked version of Android that MI6 has customized for purposes of security. Of course it would come bundled with such Q-inspired apps as ‘Instruments of Death’, ‘How to Pilot Anything’, ‘Monologue Decoder’, and, of course, ‘Google Maps’.

The real question is which phone on the market would be boss enough to defeat the deadliest Bond villain of all-time? Of course that villain is Oddjob. The oversized pacific islander’s weapon of choice (for the uninitiated) is a bowler hat that, when thrown, can slice through glass, soft stone, and flesh. Sounds like Bond is out gunned, but, wait, he whips out a _______ for defense. Oddjob’s mighty belly jiggles in laughter at 007’s pathetic weapon of choice.

The first element to consider is defense. There isn’t a phone on the market that could sustain a direct hit from Oddjob’s bowler, so deflection is out of the question. Really 007 needs a few seconds of distraction for a quick and devastating counterattack. Considering that Oddjob is a 1960’s era henchman, any cell phone would cause pause. On the the other hand, he has probably witnessed Bond pulling all kinds of crazy crap from the inside of his jacket pocket; however, a phone with an insanely bright screen might make him wonder for a split second, ‘TV in pocket? Impossible!’ If I were Bond (and clearly I would eventually in this exact situation), I’d want a Samsung Galaxy phone to round out a quick and effective defense strategy. The super AMOLED screen is ridiculously bright even in daylight.

The counterattack would have to take place in several stages. This is due to the inevitable fact that the phone would be airborne at some point. While Oddjob is skilled at grappling, he prefers to attack from a distance (remember the bowler?). Most of the cell phones currently available are light pieces of plastic. As I mention above, the iPhone would rule as a projectile; all that glass and aluminum smashing right between Oddjob’s eyes. The only Android phone that can come close to the iPhone’s build quality is the HTC One. True, aluminum is only a marginal step up from plastic, still it’s denser. If it hits Oddjob square enough, Bond would have a few seconds to close the gap and land a Double Dragon spiral kick. Hiya!

Oh the agony of having to choose one device. The most ideal scenario is for Q to make a custom phone from existing parts. If I were a secret agent, I would request a super AMOLED screen of Samsung Galaxy installed into the HTC One’s body. This, I believe, would maximize the Android phone’s effectiveness as a last ditch instrument of distraction. Oddjob wouldn’t stand a chance.

I recently bought my wife a horrible Samsung M575 on the Virgin Mobile network (we’re between plans). I have to admit that the phone is thick enough that Q could hide all kinds of crazy gadgetary. I doubt Bond would want to be caught dead with such an eyesore; however, a case could be made if it spit acid or housed a laser torch. Or maybe it’s just a grenade. After all, who cares if you lose a Samsung M575? My wife purposely ‘loses’ it, but, to her dismay, I keep finding the damn thing.

Can you imagine? James Bond is leaning against a bar in Shanghai on the top floor of an exclusive hotel. He eyes a beautiful Asian woman across the room. She glimpses suggestively in his direction, but, before he can make a move, 007 pulls out a Samsung M575 to check a message. Q texts, “How’s da view? :)” The woman pulls out an iPhone 5 in response. Bond pecks out a text, “Ladies is crazy 2nite. :p.” He slides it back into his pocket and winks at the lady. She wrinkles her nose in disgust and exits. The Samsung M575 has just ruined the movie, but, wait, it’s also a grenade to blow Oddjob to smithereens in act three. Movie and Bond are saved! It might not be the worst choice after all.