Apple Imaginary Keynote - products you’d love to buy (and not one iWatch or iGlass among them)

Welcome to my imaginary Apple Keynote. I’m sure you’re all very excited to hear about the amazing new products we are bringing to you today, so without further delay, I’d like to introduce our CEO, Tim Cook.

[Audience applause.]

[Introductory guff, boasts about app numbers, app sales, billions of dollars to developers...]

1. The iBook Air

This revolutionary new notebook combines the best attributes of the iPad - amazing screen, true all-day battery life, incredible portability, the many advantages of being always-on and always connected, speed and ease of use - with the best attributes of Apple’s beautiful notebooks - the best keyboard and track-pad on the market, and unrivaled good looks.

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The iBook Air runs the newest version of the most advanced mobile operating system in the world - iOS 7. That means that from day one it has access to over 350,000 iPad apps from the iPad app store. And we’re sure developers will be very eager to start producing many more apps to take advantage of the new features we’ve included in the iBook Air.

We didn’t just take an ordinary notebook and install iOS on it. And we didn’t just take an ordinary tablet and install OSX on it. Otherwise we’d be presenting a fundamentally compromised device that offered neither the advantages of a tablet or the advantages of a notebook, while presenting the disadvantages of both.

[Slide shows Surface RT and Pro; audience titters.]

The version of iOS 7 that we’ve included on the iBook Air is the same iOS 7 as you’ll get on your iPads and iPhones when we roll it out next month. That means it is one hundred percent compatible with those devices. But we’ve also included full trackpad control across all apps, and you also have the option of using our Magic Mouse or Magic Trackpad.

We’ve included all the file management operations you’re used to having on a regular computer, as you can see here, by including our familiar taskbar from OSX. And we’ve included apps to make file management easier, like Finder from OSX, our new iFiles app which is available across all iOS 7 devices, and AirDrop. The notification center pops in from the right, just like it does on OSX.

iOS 7 for the iBook has been built from the ground up to take full advantage of the iBook hardware and form factor, while maintaining full compatibility with all the amazing apps on our app store.

So what are the hardware specs? I’m glad you asked.

[Audience signals approves of the light humour].

The iBook Air’s internals are embedded in solid polycarbonate, which is actually poured around the components in our factories. This is a revolutionary new construction technique that is seen nowhere else in the world. It means we can make the iBook Air incredibly thin - just under 10 millimeters thin when closed, much less than half an inch - while making it incredibly robust and durable. For the first time, we have a notebook computer that is completely waterproof!

[Dunks iBook Air in a clear vat of water; audience gasps].

We have included an amazing Retina display, the same 2048 by 1536 resolution as the Retina iPad, at a 12 inch size that makes sense on a notebook.

[Savvy audience members assume this is a subtle jab at MS Surface].

We have included a beautiful keyboard and multi-touch glass trackpad just like the ones on our MacBook models. The iBook Air uses our newest custom built processor, the A8x, which means it accomplishes tasks two times as fast as our fourth generation iPad, and has four times the graphics processing power, while maintaining incredible power efficiency.

That is why we can offer over twelve hours of battery life across all iBook Air models.

All this, for a starting price of $499, for the 32GB wifi version.

Pre-Orders start this Friday, retail availability in under two weeks. I hope you love this computer as much as we do.

[Massive applause].

2. The Apple iQ

Our second product is a whole new category for us. A digital book. Apple has offered ebooks through its iBook app and iBookstore, and our customers tell us they love them. But they also tell us they want something more from us, a dedicated reading device. And for the first time, we've made one.

We asked modern readers what they wanted from an ebook reader, and they came back to us with three demands:

  • First, they said it has to feel like a book. They love the convenience of ebooks, but miss the look and feel of traditional paper books. So we made something that looks and feels like a book. Not by simply copying a paper book, but by taking the things that make a paper book special, and we think, improving on them.
  • The second thing people asked for was incredible battery life. They don’t want to charge their ebook reader every day, or every week. They want it to last so long that they forget it’s an ebook. So we've done that too.
  • The third thing they asked for was all the advantages of a modern mobile device - fast speed, a screen that can be read in dark and dim rooms, cloud connectivity - without taking away other advantages like battery life and outdoor readability.

Sounds impossible, right? Not for the amazing engineers we work with at Apple. Here’s Bob Mansfield to tell you all about building the iQ.

Thanks Tim.

We built the Apple iQ using the same revolutionary sealed-polymer manufacturing process we used for iBook Air. That means it is totally waterproof, durable, and incredibly thin.

Readers told us they wanted an authentic physical book experience from their ereader, and that’s what we've given them. Dual screens, just like a normal book. So you only have to flip half as many pages. Or you can use one page to keep notes, and the other page for reading. If you’re a student, you might like to have two different books open at the same time while you're typing on your notebook - probably the new iBook Air, right?

[Laughs all 'round].

With the iQ, you can do all that and more.

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The Apple iQ uses edge-to-edge glass, laser micro-etched to give it the texture of paper and reduce reflections. And our new display is built right onto that glass layer, so it looks and feels like you’re actually touching the words with your fingers.

In order to bring our customers what they told us they want, the best of physical books combined with the best of ereaders, we couldn't just use existing eInk screens. They’re just too slow, too low resolution, have poor contrast, and the new generation with inbuilt lighting have really short battery lives.

That wouldn’t do. So we’ve created our own technology, and we call it the TrueInk screen. So say goodbye to blurry gray eInk text on gray backgrounds. When reading in low light, say goodbye to dull gray fuzzy text on an even duller gray background with a dull grey backlight. Our new TrueInk screen is indistinguishable from printed text, even under a microscope. It really is that good.

Our TrueInk screen doesn’t flicker and stutter like regular eInk screens. It has a five times faster refresh rate than competitors, and is up to twenty times more responsive to touch. It automatically adjusts to the ambient light in the room, modifying its back-light and contrast in order to give you crisp and sharp text under any lighting conditions, from full sun to a dark room at night, without being harsh on the eyes, and all while maintaining outstanding battery life, up to 80 hours of normal use. That’s enough to last well over a month, even two months, for most readers.

[Gasps...]

The iQ comes with full access to our iBookstore, with its amazing range of over one million books and counting, and of course it uses iCloud to sync all your bookmarks and notes.

In addition, the iQ can display files from a wide range of compatible file types, straight from the iFiles app and directory on your iPad, iPhone, or computer. That means it works with PDF files, text files, and documents from Pages, Numbers, and all other major office applications, as well as ebooks. And again, you can view one document on this side, and something else over here. Or even take notes on one side while reading on the other. And where do those notes go? They sync straight into the Notes app on your iPad, iPhone, MacBook, or new iBook Air.

[Audience does a little wee].

I know, right? Amazing. I love this new device and take mine everywhere with me.

The iQ will be available in all Apple stores and online from this Friday, for the low price of $199.

[Tim Cook returns to the stage].

Thanks Bob. Well, how about that. Let's give Bob and the iQ an extra round of applause.

The next new product category I'd like to share with you today is...

[Over to you. What would you love for Apple to make, and why would it be amazing and revolutionary?]