You will suffer humiliation

As you can see from the calendar, the new smartphone release is coming up this weekend. I'm sure you are as excited for it as I am, as our phone manufacturers are rivals and have been for quite some time. Your confidence in your company is high, but rest assured, you will suffer humiliation when the smartphone from my OEM outsells the smartphone from your OEM.

On numerous occasions, you have expressed the conviction that your OEM's smartphone will be victorious. I must admit that every time I hear you make this proclamation, I react with both laughter and disbelief. "Ha!" I say to myself with laughter. "What?!" I say to myself in disbelief. How could you believe that your smartphone can best my smartphone? It is clear that yours is inferior in every way.

When preorders for both devices begin, the OEM of your smartphone will be treated as though they are inconsequential. It will be remarkably easy for my OEM to accumulate more sales than yours. There are many reasons for this, starting with the inferior physical attributes of the smartphone representing your OEM. Strength, speed, and agility are just three of the qualities that the smartphone from your OEM lacks. The smartphone representing my OEM, on the other hand, have these traits in abundance.

I would not be a bit surprised if the users of your smartphone were sexually attracted to members of their own gender. That is how ineffective their smartphones are on the field of battle.

Underscoring your OEM's inferiority is its choice of materials. It is ludicrous to believe that your OEM's materials inspire either respect or fear. Instead, they appear to have been chosen by someone who is colorblind or, perhaps, bereft of sight altogether. The materials for my smartphone, on the other hand, are aesthetically pleasing when placed in proximity to one another. They are a superior material combination in every way.

If you need another reason why the smartphone representing my OEM is superior, look no further than the supporters for the two sides. Not only are the supporters of the my smartphone more spirited, but they are also more intelligent and of finer breeding than you and the rest of your ilk. In addition, the female supporters of my smartphone possess more attractive countenances and figures than yours. Some of the women from my side that I have observed could make a living by posing for pictures for major men's magazines. The women who use your smartphone, I'm afraid, are far too unattractive to do so.

The day of the game will soon be at hand. And no matter how hard you pray to a higher power or how many foam accoutrements you wear in support of the OEM of your smartphone, your OEM will be defeated. We will win and you will lose. This is your fate.

---h/t to The Onion for the original. Adapted for The Verge and it's comment section.