Support for a Mac OS convert

Just abandoned the Windows train, finally. Now, the learning curve on Mac seems so steep, this may take me awhile. Unless I'm just a moron, which I may well be. I don't even know how to right-click. On Windows, right-click used to fold my laundry and organize my pornography with ease. Mac? Where is it? DOES RIGHT CLICK EVEN EXIST? Let us move past my bitching, I have a few questions:

  1. Is there an online tutorial for the OS for morons?
  2. Should I give a fuck about iCloud?
  3. What is the best Twitter client for Mac OS?
  4. Do system updates get pushed to my Mac like a smartphone or when the next version is released, I have to pay Apple some obnoxious fee for upgrades?
  5. How do delete all the fuck shit in my dock? Feels like bloatware on steroids.
If it matters (which I assume it may), I purchased a Macbook Pro Retina 15, the latest, most powerful model. My ego is hoping that the extra horsepower means my Mac can do special things like display my email in languages I'd never care to learn.
I really hope you gals and guys can help. Thanks.