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F-bombs and death threats: Americans rip the FCC on net neutrality

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Nothing unites Americans more than crappy download speeds. Add in cronyism, old white guys dictating laws, and a taste of class war and you’ve got the really stupid proposal to abandon net neutrality currently moving its way through the FCC’s hallowed chambers. Expertly explained by Nilay Patel in his “The Internet is Fucked” essay, rampant protest to the FCC has been nibbling away at the foregone conclusion that the internet’s proletariat would soon all become serfs to the telecommunications industry. To continue that fight for good, John Oliver asked not just those used to being outspoken in the face of corporate greed to speak up, but those outspoken in the face of memes to use their powerful tools of trolling, comments, to get the FCC’s attention. All of those comments are public on the FCC's site, and we decided to take a look at what America is telling Tom Wheeler. Most of what they’re saying is eloquent, smart, and considered. But some of what they are saying is angry, gross, and incoherent. That's our favorite type of dialogue. So, for your reading pleasure, we’ve gathered the best of the best (worst?) of public feedback.

Short and Sweet

Bill

Knock it off douche bags

fuck the freaking fcc

DIE now fucking fcc complaint shit bitches who try to get all that we DESERVE RIGHTFULLY

Captain Obvious

STOP THE CABLE COMPAANIES FROM RAPING ME!!!! IF YOU LET THEM HAVE HYPER SPEEDS THEY WILL JUST USE THEM TO HYPER RAPE!!!! DON’T YOU SEE!?

James Coletta

Holy shit you are fucking up.

James

DONT RUIN THE INTERNET YOU IDIOTS

Scott Huey

Don’t start another era of robber barons you assholes.

Keith Shaffer

Forwarded to all my friends - is it acceptable taste to say "Comcast suks" LOL, well that’s what I think

John Malkovich

please dont fuck up the internet with this net neutrality bullshit, you guys! cmon! people like having an open internet, dont fuck this us for everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jason

Bro,fuck off with your FCC crap.Im gonna send Anonymous on your ASS!

Jake Longstock

I’m so disgusted with this idea, I have logged onto a friends computer to shed some light on this issue.. HELL NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT… I HAVE NEVER MET ONE PERSON THAT CAN SHOW ME EVEN A SHITTY REASON OF WHY THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA

Dick-related

Paul Allen

A Fast lane is NOT net neutrality. I have lost all faith in the chairman’s leadership. He is nothing more than a corporate shill. Plus I bet he has a tiny penis. I want REAL NET NEUTRALITY.

patrick

Comcast and Wheeler can both suck my cock and lick every square inch of my sack.

David Bravo

what the fuck is wrong with you? for real? it’s for money right? yeah, it’s for money. anything for money. you know, you remind me of this one girl i used to know. she used to be real cool. now she sucks dick for meth.

Mike Oxawopper

Wheeler suck my cock, please.

Jack Nicholas

Do you have any Idea what will happen if you allow TWC and Comcast to do this? You will have single handily allow them to fuck everyone in the ass while at the same time flush the concept of net neutrality down the fucken toilet. What happens if HBO or Showtime wants a little bit more money for their hard earned work in trying to bring me, the user, the best programing they can? Well I hope they like sucking dick because that is the only way they will get any money from them, they literally will have to jack everyone off at TWC or Comcast at the same time in order to get a response. Please don’t allow them to do this because I would not like a giant cock up my ass.

Clayton Gray

Are you going to make history? C'mon guys, stop sucking the corporate company's dicks for money. Let them go fuck themselves and keep the internet they way you know it should be, free and open. You aren't making the final decision but you are making a precedent. You are representing AMERICA, and you have a chance to act independent of corporate fuckhead lobbyists like Congress or the House does. If you support the TRUE open internet you will go down in history in saving the internet from the money thieving shits that actually run our country. If they are black mailing you or threatening to kill you, expose those fuckers. Someone or multiple people are imposing their will upon you. You just gonna sit there and take it?

Nonsensical and incoherent

Bbcaulk

My nipples hurt thinking of this shit. U wanna b a Baller, shot caller have 22 inch blades on the impala

JEFF BUCKINGHAM

"We the People" have to keep the AmericaNazi Party– mostly Republicanazis, actually– and the Gestapo Bush Family and their C.S "New World Odor" away from the only viable worldwide channel to bring Freedom to the World, expose World Capitalism as the RightWing Totalitarianism that it wants to be. We also WILL expose the Most Massive CoverUp in History (Next to Big Oil’s LIES that petroleum is the ONLY way for Future energy)= CIA’s and MJ-12’s burying and Disinformation (@) UFO’s and all the artifacts of Theirs so Humans cannot get TO Their Technology and Free EVERYONE!!!

ME

I have no idea what this plan is all i know is that it is attached to the FCC so fuck it, fuck you, fix your reputation before you choose to get feedback, how about that? dip shits. go suck a fuck. sounds dumb? yea well it’s from a movie, a line you probably never heard, maybe you heard this though. yea go beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep p.s. goooo fuck yourself, or in your language… goooo yourself

Stephen Inzunza

Hey, I like the internet. I think you like the internet, too. I think you remember fond memories of searching the net, indiscriminately. Don’t take that away from others, from fresher generations. The internet is a tool for expression and social change. Okay, mostly it is for adorable cat photos with captions. Don’t take the cat out of the meow! Or the meow out of the cat? Free porn for all who fight to protect our internet!!! For Aslan! For Steve Jobs! For Bill Gates! For for! For for for! FOR FOR FOR FOR!

SPECIFICALLY MENTIONS GETTING FUCKED IN THE ASS

Cody Raich

You run a monopoly and expect to continuously fuck our asses. Do not in any way create another path to the internet. My goal is to create a cable company to bring you to your knees. The FCC is ran by a former cable company propaganda arm. This isn’t Columbia. You will get fucked for this. Fuck you. sincerely, Aspiring congressman Cody Raich

Connor Hoy

Hello FCC, My name is Connor Hoy and I have come here to protest your actions in relation to the Net Neutrality Act. The internet has thrived for two decades now as a place of communication, commerce and relationship development. However, your current actions are threatening all that the internet currently is and what it stands for. Your doing this becuase your assholes. You want our money… Hey! I want to go on Reddit! You: "Hello there sir, are you ready to pay your daily internet fine?" Me: "Oh sure thing sir, let me just bend over so you can continue to fuck me in the ass." That’s what your doing. Your fucking the internet and the billions that use it in the ass. Fuck you, I already wrote a few letters to my senators and congressman. I kindly ask you, to reconsider your actions in regards to the Net Neutrality Act. Everyone likes the internet how it is now….why change it?

Nicholas Nelson

You people are out of your damn mind if you think we’re just going to roll over and let you and the telecom companies FUCK THE AMERICAN PEOPLE IN THE ASS FUCK YOU WHEELER, IF I SEE YOUR LILY WHITE ASS IN THE STREETS WE WILL SEE WHO THE REAL AMERICAN MAN IS, YOU CORPORATE PUPPET SELL OUT FUCK! And seriously you wage-slaves reading this need to seriously reconsider what the fuck your organization is doing right now to the American people for a couple of lousy fucking dollars

Adam Nickells

As a citizen of the United States I demand that ISP's be classified as a Common Carrier type II as well as integrating strong Net Neutrality regulations that prohibit fast lanes and slow lanes. In fact all ISPs should be FORCED to upgrade their infrastructure regularly, we are one of the worst nations in the world for internet speeds and accessibility when bandwidth is a laughably low cost for ISPs and the speed to price ratio is horribly skewed in favor of corporate profit margins. Stop. Fucking. Us. IN. THE. ASS.

WEIRD REFERENCES TO CHILDHOOD

Cristine Salas

You just suck. You’re like that ex-boyfriend that won’t go away, or the ex-girlfriend who is still unbelievably clingy even though the relationship ended years ago. You’re that kid no one wanted to play with on the playground and now that you have seemingly universal control over everyone who was ever mean to you, instead of using your powers for good, you’ve become Mark Cuban–an arrogant asshole. You already know you’re hated, not only by your constituents but, also by people from other countries. Shouldn’t that tell you something? I can’t stand the FCC, but you guys are fucking everywhere. Lol! This is funny because we still hate you. You try to get us to like you and we STILL HATE YOU. All your amazing ideas are bullshit and the fact that we’re going to do what we want to do is something you can’t control. You may control the internet, but you don’t control me. Or anyone else for that matter. Fuck you and burn.

tim

stop trying to destroy net neutrality. the internet is not a theme park, it does not need a fast pass like 6 flags. do you remember the fat kids trying to cut in front of you in line in middle school? that shit sucked didn’t it? you stood there thinking to yourself, well why does that fatass get to eat lunch before me? he shouldnt be able to get away with that! well what your metaphorically doing is installing a line just for the fat kids to get served before everyone else while they just stand in line! doesnt that sound fair?!?!

SUPER-PISSED, LEGITIMATELY THREATENING AND / OR OFFENSIVE

Anthony Pritchett

Dear Tom Wheeler, If you do this I will hunt you down and murder you and your fucking family in cold blood! This isnt a fucking joke moron! Is this really worth losing your life over? Dont fuck with me. Dont fuck with Net Neutrality. Dont fuck with the american people asshole. We’ll drag you and your corporate slave masters out of your home and put a bullet between your skull. I advise you to reconsider. You have been warned.

Good job killing the internet assholes

Yeah wow brilliant Let’s just turn the open web into a big steaming heap of shit I love it great job everyone over there should get raises. I mean what a brilliant idea, let’s restrict what we have instead of building on and improving it. Let’s go ahead and dumb down the single greatest tool we have. Let’s just wreck more shit for our upcoming generations. Fuck them, right? Fuck you.

Fuck Tom Wheeler

Don’t. Fucking. End. Net. Neutrality. The only fucking reason the internet has become the greatest achievement of the human race since the fucking wheel is because its is open. There is no fucking god damn reason to limit the speeds of any information is to line the fucking pockets of the cable companies. Fuck them. Fuck Comcast, fuck Time Warner, fuck Bright House, fuck Earth Link, fuck every single one of them. All of their service is terrible, and they don’t do shit about it. And fuck Tom Wheeler. Hes a faggot and a cunt and the only thing he deserves while he continues to run as the head of the FCC is a salt, lime, and razor lined horse dildo ramming him continuosly until he begs for reprieve, only to be met with the cold eyes of ethical judgement and further anal torture. But really, ending net neutrality is bullshit.

Dick F. Hugh

Fuck this oligarchy that is willing to crush the future of technology and the internet for some short term financial gain. I hope you all rot for selling us out. I hope your grand children never know or love you, and I hope that your favorite hobby will forever lack the joy it once had for you. You are greed hungry liars, and you’ve doomed us all.

Barack obama

Comcast and twc can lick a bag of balls if those company’s get their way, every fucktard and Cuntard in the FCC should be fired . The corporations are going to squeeze every penny out of their customers, and in the end they will be fazed out byinnovation. But I know this message will probably be erased by you fucking nigger, faggot, smelly cunts of the FCC . Yours truly Barack Obama President of the United States of America

Aristotle

YOU PEOPLE ARE GARBAGE IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THIS TO THE INTERNET. I UNDERSTAND THIS WOULD PROBABLY PAY YOUR STAFF HANDSOMELY AND ALLOW YOU TO TAKE YOUR SHITTY WIVES AND TERRIBLE CHILDREN ON VACATION AN EXTRA 3 DAYS EVERY YEAR BUT YOU’RE DOING A DISSERVICE TO THE PEOPLE WHOSE LIVELIHOOD DEPEND ON QUALITY INTERNET AND TO THOSE WHO ACCESS IT FOR THE INCREDIBLE INFORMATION IT POSSESSES. IT’S AMAZING THAT YOU’RE EVEN CONSIDERING THIS, BUT I GUESS MONEY BREEDS CORRUPTION AND STIFLES LOGICAL THOUGHT. YOU ARE A SHITTY ORGANIZATION AND YOU DESERVE PAIN AND SUFFERING.

Evan Lillis

The head of this FCC apparently use to lobby for the cable companies. What a shock. The people making this decision to give cable companies the freedom to slow down and speed up internet speeds for more money so disgustingly evil that there is NO DOUBT in my mind THAT ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH THIS DECISION IS SURELY GOING TO HELL. I HOPE THE EXTRA MONEY IS WORTH IT NOW, BC ETERNAL DAMNATION AWAITS!! I PROMISE YOU THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christian Dauz

Net Neutrality provides the same protection for the Internet, the First Amendment does for people living in this nation. To even THINK of removing this is to THINK LIKE A NORTH KOREN DICTATOR, DON’T THINK THAT YOU POLITICIAN-MINDED THINK THIS IS OKAY CAUSE ITS NOT OKAY!To remove Net Neutrality is to go to the side of Adolf Hitler and Mussolini. To go and burn the books and silence the opposition. To REMOVE Net Neutrality, is to DESTROY the economy! If any REPUBLICAN supports removing the barrier of freedom against the rich, the tyrannous or the greedy, then YOU ARE A HYPOCRITE TO EVERYTHING YOUR PARTY, YOUR ANCESTORS, YOUR NATION STANDS FOR!!! The GOV’T IS CORRUPT!!! TAKING AWAY MORE AND MORE OF OUR RIGHTS!!! THE ECONOMY IS STAGNATING!!! POLITICIANS ARE BECOMING MORE AND MORE DESPOTIC!! IF NET NEUTRALITY IS LOST THEN THE FOREFATHER’S DREAM OF A FREE AMERICA IS LOST!!! WE MIGHT AS WELL BE PIGS!!!

Michael Sziede

Dear FCC people: Excuse me, but exactly how far are your heads inserted into your own rectums? You complete douches, I hope you all die of ass cancer. We all know perfectly well that what you are doing is the exact opposite of net neutrality; and you’re doing it while calling it net neutrality. Great marketing, you jerks. You suck and we really, really hate you. Die. Sincerely, Mike Sziede Citizen

EXCELLENT CLOSING LINES

Adam

The internet must stay open and unbiased without corporate control or censorship. To do so would destroy the one major resource for news and education without company persuasion. Dont make people have to weed through the filth of major news sources like CNN twitter responses and FOX drama reenactments to find sparkles of whats actually happening. Offering packages for websites and blocking websites that dont meet the corporate status will without a doubt spark massive protests. If you are reading this far then thank you for listening to one voice. if you are not then i wanna say i wish dolphins had legs and self contained water suits and we need to spend money in RandD to get that going, thank you for your time.

Jane Ruiz

You are ruining the only platform for change and hope that exists on this planet. Whatever gains and benefits you foresee from making this change, I hope it’s worth this immense loss. This is worse than the BP spill, deforestation and maybe even mass genocide, as having an open internet allows for an infinite number of possibilities that include an open forum for stopping these terrible things. You are putting limits on the only world away from this one that hasn’t become strangulated by politics and red tape. You know what you’re doing and if you choose to go through with these changes, you’re terrible people. In the words of Plato, "This fucking sucks balls."

aaron leneve

Your rich people fast lanes are the road to revolution. we will steal back our air waves. we will go around your greedy fat asses.we will fight back. you will loose. fuck you and the nsa cia fbi. corporations still aint people. nasa you're cool.

Yoni Ruvim

Allowing internet service providers the opportunity to provide different websites with different delivery speeds is a terrible idea. There is little to no competition between ISPs and this will lead to disasterous consequences far beyond what you can imagine. But since its going to happen anyways, lets watch the house burn together, but I will do so knowing that at least I raised my voice and tried.