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I need a bigger iPhone — and so do you!

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Bigger is better and I'm not just saying that because I already spent a ton of money

Please do not trust The Verge dot com.

In today's editorial, my former friend and co-worker only by obligation, Ross Miller, claimed his life — and tacitly, your life — would continue if he chose not to purchase a new iPhone 6 or iPhone 6 Plus, and instead continued to use his markedly inferior and aesthetically repulsive iPhone 5S. This is a baldfaced lie, and I know, because I was awake at 3AM last week to order an iPhone 6 Plus, making me an expert on this topic.

Here's the truth: I do need a bigger phone and so do you.

I know, because I was awake at 3 AM last week

A bigger phone will improve my life and the lives of those around me — because it will be impossible for them to not look at the radiating 5.5-inch display. Henceforth, my personal email, Twitter, and Instagram will be providing countless hours of entertaining pathos for those who sit alongside me on subways and airplanes.

Look inwards, and you will uncover deep within your consciousness this suppressed fact: for too long, you have had to hold your phone within two feet of your face to read updates on Facebook. Now, we as a culture can allow our arms to loosen and heal, as we Like baby photos from a nose-to-screen distance of four feet.

As someone with small hands, the larger phone will remind me that, yes, I am small, not just in the physical sense, but in the spiritual and existential sense. Cosmically speaking, our bodies, our planet and our very reality are microscopically microscopic. As Ted Theodore Logan once said to Socrates, "All we are is dust in the wind, dude." Touching an iPhone 6 Plus is like reaching through all dimensions and touching the very fabric of existence.

I do need a bigger phone and so do you

But, and this is important, so please stay with me, the power of my new phone is only validated if we all purchase the new iPhone 6 Plus, the largest and newest possible phone in Apple's line of phones. I don't care if you have a contract or don't really need a new phone or if making this purchase sends you deeper into the endemic debt forced on millennials by a baby boomer generation that duped us into private universities, multiple credit cards and international wars. It's imperative that you buy the newest, biggest phone and the reason is obvious:

If everyone doesn't buy this phone, I'm going to look like a real asshole.

Have you seen the iPhone 6 Plus? I have. They have one in our office. The first time someone handed one to me I dropped it, because it's stupid huge. Like, I struggle to hold it with two hands. You know those tubes full of liquid they sell in novelty shops? The slippery ones that squirt out of your hands if you squeeze too tight? Well that's me holding an iPhone 6 Plus.

So, trust me when I say I need an iPhone 6 Plus (because it's already too late to cancel the shipment) and so do you (because don't leave me here alone).

Before you go, a parting thought: For millennia, size has been the benchmark of empires. Who are we to stand in the way of history. It makes sense if you don't think about it for too long — just like my iPhone 6 Plus purchase.


ICYMI: The Verge's iPhone 6 Plus review