The ongoing rock music affirmative action of the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival is one of the most heartwarmingly dorky things about the festival season benchmark. Sure, it leads to a tidal wave of Twitter jokes whenever a lineup is released, but it also keeps the crowd as diverse as a wildly overpriced celebrity-magnet destination festival can be. Rock and roll is a part of the festival's heritage, and it's clear at this point that there are a certain number of slots set aside for bands with guitars and drum kits, including many of the biggest mainstage acts. It also means that, on the poster at least, Belle and Sebastian and David Guetta have the same cultural footprint.
Here are the very well-researched and thoroughly vetted top 10 font size shockers from this year's Coachella lineup.
10. Tame Impala (Night 1): SHOCKINGLY BIG
I like music a lot, but I still mostly know Tame Impala from the song they play during the cooldown in workout classes for Silver Lake moms.
9. Ryn Weaver (Night 2): BACKLASHINGLY SMALL
2015 BUZZBLOG CHECK
8. Belle and Sebastian (Night 2): HILARIOUSLY BIG
The good news is, I am one of maybe three Coachella attendees who's going to see the inevitable B&S/Axwell^Ingrosso scheduling conflict as a genuine Sophie's Choice.
7. FKA Twigs (Night 1): SHOULD BE BIGGER, BUT IN GOOD COMPANY
Between Twigs, Flying Lotus, Caribou, and Gesaffelstein, third-tier font size might secretly be the biggest font size.
6. Built To Spill (Night 3): CUE-SAD-ANGULAR-GUITAR-RIFF SMALL
I predict Built To Spill gets the midnight Gobi tent set, aka the one The Dismemberment Plan played last year for 10 drunk people and 289 crumpled beer cups.
5. Panda Bear (Night 3): UNEXPLAINABLY SMALL
YOU'D THINK A 9.4 ON PITCHFORK IN 2007 WOULD MEAN SOMETHING IN THIS CRAZY WORLD.
4. Clean Bandit: EXPLAINABLY SMALL
Clean Bandit and Hozier are both classic examples of the one-hit Coachella artist. They've got a high profile because their song is on the radio, but 90% of the crowd will peace out after they finally shut up and play the hit. Hozier's got a guitar, though, so for one night, he's bigger than Raekwon and Ghostface.
3. Lil B (Night 3): UNBASEDLY SMALL
You wanna talk about earning the zeitgest, Interpol? Please get back to us when you follow 1.3 million people on Twitter.
2. Migos (N/A): UNACCEPTABLY ABSENT
1. AC/DC (Night 1): REASSURINGLY BIG
Because no matter the genre, in its heart of hearts, Coachella is for the dads.