Wow, Back to the Future sure got some things wrong about the real 2015. If Marty McFly really jumped forward 30 years in time, for example, he might be surprised to discover that the US presidential election is determined entirely by candidates' proficiency in referencing current events and pop culture artifacts on a futuristic telegram delivery service. And he certainly couldn't have foreseen the ultimate test of presidential authority: using a 1980s sci-fi comedy to explain why you should lead a military and economic superpower. In the spirit of the day, The Verge is proud to present our next commander-in-chief, along with the rest of the competition. Unfortunately, due to the complexity of campaign law, candidates who presented their Back to the Future memes on platforms other than Twitter have been disqualified.
The context here is that the Chicago Cubs — who won the World Series in Back to the Future II's world — might actually be knocked out of the running today by the New York Mets, giving Christie some bonus points for extra topicality. Which is good, because the graphic design here is confusing enough that I actually just realized that the white text around the dates is saying something, let alone something that explains the image's entire political message.
Been trying to get up to 88 MpH so I can see the future when Ben is elected President, but I'm not as fast as a Delorean. #BackToTheFuture— Ben Carson's Bus (@healerhauler) October 21, 2015
Ben Carson must be all worn out after suggesting that gun control facilitated the Holocaust, because this is the most carefully inoffensive presidential Back to the Future tweet ever. It's not even posted on his own Twitter account — Carson retweeted a message from "Ben Carson's Bus," which is in fact a real, verified Twitter account run by Carson's campaign. Delegating important political messages to a motor vehicle can be acceptable, but obviously only if it's a DeLorean.
Ted Cruz, meanwhile, is diving straight in. Not only is Barack Obama giving Iran access to nuclear weapons, he's doing it to fund the creation of a machine capable of breaking down reality as we know it and putting Donald Trump in the White House. Unfortunately, points will be deducted for Cruz's failure to work "Great Scott!" into the message.
It's a testament to the importance of Back to the Future Day that Marco Rubio came up with an entire Hillary Clinton attack ad based around it. It's a testament to the importance of copyright law that the connection between the two is illustrated by orange-tinted default system fonts, lightning clip art, and a still image of Back to the Future apparently playing on a projector in a modern drive-in theater. Even the leader of the free world dare not cross the shadowy forces of the MPAA.
Tell me, future boy, who's President of the United States in 2017? "Bernie Sanders." Bernie Sanders?! From Vermont? pic.twitter.com/saXRY3aguV— Bernie Sanders (@BernieSanders) October 21, 2015
Some presidential candidates appeal to voters by invoking the possibility of an environmental or political disaster should their opponent be elected. Bernie Sanders has taken the novel step of suggesting that his presidency is vital to the timestream itself. If time travel continues to play a part in the US political process, the traditional campaign season will be replaced by a branching series of four-year potential futures that are experienced and finally collapsed upon the official election of a candidate. If Bernie Sanders is elected, future informed voters can look forward to full decades spent comparing dozens of multiverses. Please do not vote for Bernie Sanders.
Speaking of Hillary Clinton, the Democratic slate experienced a major upset when Clinton abruptly dropped out of the presidential race by failing to post any memes about Back to the Future. Maybe that's for the best, because she couldn't possibly stand a chance against Martin O'Malley, landslide winner of the 2016 presidential election.
O'Malley has crafted a tweet that truly reaches across parties and generations. The virtual reality headset shows that he has a strong grasp on the technological advances our economy needs to excel. The fact that it's a first-generation Oculus Rift development kit demonstrates both his fiscal responsibility and a strong stomach that can resist the notorious DK1-induced motion sickness. The fact that it's at a Midwestern state fair shows that he's the kind of down-to-earth guy you could sit down and defuse a bomb with.
I don't even care that Marty McFly's glasses look way, way more like the Microsoft HoloLens than the Oculus Rift. It is impossible to look at this tweet and feel anything but pure joy and confidence in our nation's future.