Black Friday isn't just about outsmarting and outlasting your neighbors to get the last $9.99 DVD player in the bin — it's also about rolling up to Target, Walmart, and Best Buy in a stylish machine that can strike fear into your shopping adversaries' hearts while still offering enough utility to bring those sweet, sweet deals home. Doorbusting is no joke: it looks cool if you do it in a Z06 or a 911 GT3 RS, yes, but that doesn't do you a whole lot of good when you emerge from the store victorious, battle scarred, hoisting a 65-inch 4K television above your head.

Let's get real. You need a Black Friday tank. I have some options for you.

Mercedes-Benz Sprinter Cargo Van

Key stats

• 319.1 cu. ft of cargo space
• Crosswind Assist stops you from veering out of your lane in heavy gusts

Pros:

• Is a legitimate Mercedes (see, there's a three-pointed star right there)
• Can be had in a Freightliner-branded version if you don't want a Mercedes
• The perfect Trojan horse: other shoppers will assume you are a plumber or glazier coming to service the building, so their guard will be down

Cons:

• If you get pulled over and the cops search your car, a cargo van full of Vizios is a little suspicious
• Not exactly an S-Class

Mazda MX-5

Key stats

• 4.59 cu. ft of cargo space
• You could fit about 12 of these in the Sprinter

Pros:

• A perfect choice if your holiday shopping is already done, and you're just cruising the neighborhood to point and laugh at people miserably waiting in line
• Manually operated cloth top can be put down if you need to put a giant TV in the passenger seat
• Is probably the best car ever made

Cons:

• Can't buy anything larger than an iPhone 6S (don't even try to fit a Plus in the trunk)
• Tall passengers will hate you, and make the remainder of your holiday trip unpleasant

Volkswagen California

Key stats

• Number of burners on the stove: 2
• Somewhere between 200 and 330 cubic feet of cargo space

Pros:

• "I want to sleep in my car the night before Kohl's opens, but the driver's seat doesn't recline all the way" is a complaint of the past
• It'll fit lots of deals as long as you put away the integrated dining table
• Who doesn't love a VW camper van?

Cons:

• Not sold in America, which is pretty odd for a vehicle called the "California"
• It's a Volkswagen diesel, so who knows what's coming out of the tailpipe

Mercedes-Benz G 500 4x4²

Key stats

• Sits one and a half feet above the ground
• Is terrifying

Pros:

• Will scare nearby shoppers away from deals, primarily because they don't want to hear you drone on and on about your six-figure Mercedes truck
• "Takes advantage" of today's unusually low gas prices

Cons:

• Most in its element when used to reach a Best Buy in a remote part of the Alps, which does not exist
• So expensive that you will not have money for a 4K TV, even a Black Friday one

Ferrari FF

Key stats

• Ferrari calls it "the most versatile car" it has ever made, which isn't saying much
• Cargo space: 3.7 seconds at 62 mph

Pros:

• It's a shooting brake — often defined as a two-door station wagon — and "shooting brake" is the coolest name for a car category
• Great for taking advantage of Black Friday deals at Barney's, if Barney's has Black Friday deals. Do they?

Cons:

• No room to stow both your ego and the 27-inch 5K iMac you bought for your children; you must choose one or the other

Tesla Model X

Key stats

• Tesla's first crossover
• 26 cubic feet of cargo space, not including the passenger compartment

Pros:

• If you live in Silicon Valley and you want to blend in, a Tesla makes perfect camouflage — just what you need to take deals by surprise
• You don't need gas, so don't take advantage of Shell's buy-two-gallons, get-one-free offer

Cons:

• If you order it right now, there's an outside chance you'll get it in time for Black Friday 2016
• Elon Musk may show up for Thanksgiving dinner uninvited

A horse

(AFP)

Key stats

• Alternative fuel
• As much cargo as you can carry in your hands

Pros:

• Draw other shoppers in with your horse, which they will want to meet and pet, then ruthlessly swipe their deals out from under them
• Poop, which the horse will produce in prodigious quantities, is a natural deterrent for rival deal-seekers
• Can't be ticketed, so go ahead and park in the fire lane

Cons:

• Although ecologically friendlier, horses lack the Model X's trick falcon wing doors
• No cupholders