If you haven't read Serena Williams' riveting tale of a phone theft gone wrong, you should do that right now. In 10 minutes, come back to this article so we can discuss.
Okay, great. Obviously we've learned a lot, but here are the key takeaways from this grandiose story of mysterious men, mysterious cozy cafes, mysterious decision-making:
Be the best kind of storyteller — the kind who hypes up all the details to make the story more enjoyable for everyone.
Bless her. Serena spends several sentences explaining how her "SUPERHERO sense" was tingling, causing her to watch the eventual perpetrator like a hawk from the minute he stepped into her space. She asks herself many hypothetical questions about him, Jason Bourne style, and tries to shake the "eerie feeling," but all while continuing to watch this shifty man. Then she has the nerve, the aplomb even, to say "when least expected low and behold this common petty thief grabbed my phone and swiftly left [sic]." When least expected? When least expected, Serena?!
I've got the speed, the jumps, the power, the body, the seduction, the sex appeal, the strength, the leadership, and yet the calm to weather the storm.
Serena! Most of this is completely unrelated to your story, Serena!
I jumped up, weaved my way in and out of the cozy restaurant (leaping over a chair or two)
Serena! We've seen video now, and you actually do not leap over a chair, or two chairs! (Nice of you to compliment the restaurant aesthetic though.)
But some harmless embellishing always makes stories better. I fault you not, Serena. I would have given you a standing ovation had I been in "the cozy restaurant." Then we would have had a calm chat about not making objects priorities. Then we would have had a drink I hope, and talked about the great Drake heel-turn of 2015.
AND ON @GMA: ABC News Exclusive Video: @serenawilliams stops alleged thief who grabs her phone. pic.twitter.com/g2kmihtBZZ— ABC News (@ABC) November 5, 2015
Be a fan of the classic Nickelodeon program, Doug.
my superhero sidekick quailman was face timing me
Quailman, if you're not acquainted, is the alter-ego of Doug's title character — a superhero who wears his undies above his pants and his belt as a headdress. His sidekick is a dog named Quaildog. (Sidenote: if you look at the tape, it seems like Quailman is Reddit co-founder Alexis Ohanian, who Serena is reportedly dating.)
I am seriously so happy to know that Serena had the presence of mind to make Doug references during this harrowing experience. As far as animated shows about the importance of friendship, boring American towns, boys journaling, and a rewarding interior life go, it does not get much better. Good choice, Serena. You were doing the correct things with your mid-to-late '90s, Serena.
"Always listen to your superhero inner voice. Always keep your things close! Fight for what's right. Stand for what you believe in! Be a superhero!"
Actually, please don't. You should not chase criminals down the street by yourself! As one of the top athletes in the world, Serena can chase down whoever she pleases. But I beg you to remember that the worst thing really that can happen if your phone gets stolen / lost / broken is a brief panic attack followed by the realization that everyone who loves you will still love you even if your phone is stolen / lost / broken. I also beg you to remember that you are not a world-class athlete, and therefore your body is fragile and susceptible to injury. Learn lots of things from Serena, a great woman and a great athlete, but for the love of God do not learn this. You should not chase criminals. Let the criminal win, if you are not Serena.