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Donald Trump given perfect bill of health by a ghost

Donald Trump, who had previously been believed to be a rotting pumpkin filled with bile and a 12-word vocabulary, has turned out to be an extremely healthy human being.

At least, according to "the highly respected Dr. Jacob Bornstein of Lenox Hill Hospital," otherwise known as "Dr. Jacob Bornstein, Harvard Medical School Class of 1942," otherwise known as "a person who died five years ago." The report was actually written by his son, Harold Bornstein, who says he has been Trump's doctor since 1980. I can't remember the last time someone I had known for 35 years forgot who I was and referred to me by my dead father's name several times, but I'm sure it happens to everyone.

Trump promised us his full, perfect medical report earlier this month, and seems to have delivered.

Perfectly healthy human being Donald Trump has lost 15 pounds in the last year, has never used "tobacco or alcohol products," and has "suffered from no form of cancer." The only imperfect thing in Trump's body was his appendix (a loser organ, if there ever was one), and he got rid of it years ago. All this leads Bornstein (Jacob, speaking through Harold's body) to state "unequivocally" that Trump would be "the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency."

That seems like it would be hard to know, given the age of the United States and several other obvious reasons. It also seems fairly unlikely, given that Trump would be 70 years old at the time of his inauguration, making him the oldest person ever elected to the presidency.

Trump would be the oldest president ever elected

I don't want to call a ghost's medical skills into question, because who knows what a licensed "internalist" could do to you from beyond the grave, but I could find only one review of him (besides his obituary) on the whole internet, and it was not positive.

Whoever described Dr. Jacob Bornstein (RIP) in his obituary certainly subscribed to the Trump view of the American dream, though:

His life was a tribute to the uniquely American concept of "anything is possible" if you are born here.

Updated December 14th 3:05 PM EST: The Facebook post and tweet promoting Donald's Trump health report have since been deleted, and the statement on Trump's website has been updated from "Jacob Bornstein" (who is dead) to "Harold Bornstein" (his living son and the author of the report). Here's a screenshot of the original Facebook post, via Jezebel:

trump health