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The 12 Days of Fetty Wap’s instant Christmas classic, 'Merry Xmas'

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It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. Fetty Wap — New Jersey rapper, bringer of joy and good tidings, the real Santa Claus — has just unleashed a Christmas song onto the world. "Merry Xmas" is everything a Christmas song should be: festive, twinkling, and brassy, with an ever-so-subtle undertone of vaguely monogamous sexual activity. It's so perfect in fact, that it deserves a song about itself; a song about listening to a song. So today, I present to you: The 12 Days of Fetty Wap.

The first day of Fetty Wap

You wake up in your childhood bed. There's snow on the ground. Everything is as it once was and nothing hurts.

The second day of Fetty Wap

There's a fire in a fireplace you didn't know you had, and the boy sitting next to you smells like cinnamon and there's a very furry dog sleeping on a very furry carpet. This is an idea of comfort inspired by a J. Crew holiday catalog, but I don't think that makes the feeling less real.

The third day of Fetty Wap

How can you evaluate the course of a life? Are the consequences always dependent on the actions you've taken? Does lip scrub actually make your lips softer? Do you actually know what pine smells like, or have you just confused it for the smell of pine-scented candles?

The fourth day of Fetty Wap

The feeling of peeling off wet socks after getting caught in the rain and wrapping your feet in a blanket.

The fifth day of Fetty Wap

Everyone is in love with me.

The sixth day of Fetty Wap

Have you ever had a dream so real, that you felt the life you live was fake? And everything that you encountered was the upgrade you've been needing?

The seventh day of Fetty Wap

It's interesting how many popular Christmas songs are based on the idea of wanting another human in place of material items. People don't like to be alone during the holidays but most people don't like being alone, ever. Not alone like, "table for one," but alone alone. The kind of alone that sits around like that fog yesterday morning. The kind of alone that hears a certain Christmas song and thinks, maybe.

The eighth day of Fetty Wap

You're not sad, are you?

The ninth day of Fetty Wap

True happiness is probably a myth anyway, or at least the product of several unknown variables.

The tenth day of Fetty Wap

How would you even know if you had achieved some kind of ultra-enlightened happiness? Would you just suddenly feel different? Like how every birthday you wonder if you'll feel a year older?

The eleventh day of Fetty Wap

Maybe this is it.

The twelfth day of Fetty Wap

It feels like this is it.