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Thanks for being a friend

Dearest friends and family —

Ho ho ho! Or should we say poke poke poke? Greetings once again from Facebook. We hope you had a happy and healthy 2015.

Here at Facebook, 2015 was filled with sharing, liking, commenting, and the total domination of all social interaction. In March, we moved into our new house, with some help from family friend Frank Gehry. There’s a small forest and a half-mile walking trail on the roof, great for when Scoble stops by. It’s not much, but it’s home!

At the same time, we’ve been making so much money that it’s starting to get embarrassing. A billion and a half people visited us each month last year, and we’re happy to say that we monetized the hell out of them. Revenue’s up, the stock has never been higher, and when we look at our competitors — Snapchat, Twitter, Pinterest — we’re increasingly confident that the only real threat to our business is the eventual heat death of the universe.

We’re also super proud of Mark and Priscilla, who are feeling blessed (angel emoji) to welcome their first child, Max, into the Facebook family. Like any proud parents, they want to make sure she grows up in a better world. And so they set aside a little money — $45 billion — to see if they couldn’t give this garbage planet a fresh coat of paint. Here’s hoping!

But it’s not all about money. We’ve been doing big stuff too! With Facebook M, we use a combination of cutting-edge AI and skilled human contractors to enable online burrito ordering. With Oculus Rift, which we’ll show you for realsies next year, we’ve created a revolutionary new platform for inducing nausea. Plus, we’re taking over India’s internet. And that’s to say nothing of our best-in-breed ad targeting, which told us so many discrete, personally identifiable things about you that we’re honestly a little grossed out.

What else? We set up "2G Tuesdays" where we work over low-bandwidth connections so we can better empathize with the people who work in our cafeteria. Every two weeks, we clone a different aspect of Snapchat and put it into the App Store with the sole purpose of upsetting them. And we let WhatsApp spend a year redesigning its settings tab, because Jan Koum was in one of his moods.

So anyway, that’s our 2015 status update. But enough about us. It’s time for you to share. What’s on your mind?

Love,

Facebook

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