Meet the parent company
Dear friends and family,
We hope you had a happy and healthy 2015! As the year comes to a close, we wanted to take a moment and share some of our fondest memories with you.
First, the big news: as you may have heard, this year we changed the family name to Alphabet. We know it seems abrupt, but it’s been a long time coming. It came to a head at the company sweat lodge at Burning Man this year. We all gathered around the pedal-powered OnHub and had one of those come-to-Jesus moments where we realized that a few of us were leading totally separate lives. Though we’ll always be a family, we decided a separation was best. We needed room to take risks and be individuals. There were a lot of tears, a lot of hugs, and more than a few of us passed out. It’s better this way — when they grow up, the kids will understand.
Larry seems quite happy with the arrangement. (We’re pretty sure it was all his idea in the first place.) It’s harder to tell what Uncle Sergey thinks. He’s still wearing his Crocs, growing bacteria meat, and unlocking the secret to eternal life. If a giant balloon happened to land in your backyard this year, please do send it back to him.
Meanwhile, the rest of us have been having a ball. Sundar took the reins at Google, so check your stockings for another round of Nexus phones this year, along with the usual incrementally improved search results. He also launched the new Photos tool, harnessing a world-class machine intelligence to look through your photos and tell us what’s in them. We thought we had a pretty good handle on our users from the emails, web-tracking, and Android location data, but the photos were a real eye-opener. Please, stay safe out there.
Susan’s doing very well over at YouTube; she just launched a new subscription service called YouTube Red. People seem to think it involves pornography? Not true, but we’re always ready to pivot. Oh, we also got a new car this year! We traded in the family station wagon for a completely autonomous, hands-free model with onboard intelligence. It feels like a new member of the family! It named itself Adam and wishes you all a happy holiday, although it’s still struggling to comprehend the human concept of love.
Hopefully we can all get together "IRL" in the new year, but if not, at the very least we hope Google Fiber comes to your area so we can stay in touch over super-duper high-speed internet. Life always has its ups and downs, but friendship, family, and data-driven ad targeting are forever. If you’re ever feeling lost, use Maps. Seriously, don’t call us. Just use Maps.
With love and good cheer,
Your friends in Mountain View
P.S. I almost forgot about Google Plus! G+ is…well. Actually, we haven’t heard from him in a while, and I swear I don’t recognize any of his friends’ names anymore. He’s working through a lot of stuff, and we’ve promised to respect his space. He sends his love!