I don't have to tell you that there is a new Star Wars film coming out in two weeks, nor do I have to tell you that Disney is taking every conceivable opportunity to sell Star Wars-branded merchandise in conjunction with this release. If you don't already know both of those facts, then someone at Disney is getting fired, and rightfully so!
Many Star Wars fans are excited to exhibit their fandom with products, but some are growing tired of the increasingly diverse branded merchandise.
Obi-Wan died for this shit pic.twitter.com/pj77CtnVxI— David Abrams (@CheapyD) December 1, 2015
I imagine that some of Mr. Cheapy's outrage stems from the fact that a tea infuser is already one of the least necessary kitchen implements one can own. On top of that, it seems strange to purchase something with the purpose of admiring its Star Wars-branded features when that thing will spend most of its lifetime submerged in murky liquids or fucking up the bottom of your dishwasher.
Neither CheapyD nor myself are real Star Wars fans, obviously.
For those of you who aren't embarrassments to the fandom, here are the steps to make sure your tea-drinking process is 100 percent Star Wars, 100 percent profitable for official merchandising partners of The Walt Disney Company, and
a delight to our capitalist overlords 100 percent enjoyable.
1) Get out your Quality Ceramic Star Wars R2D2 [sic] Teapot (with Detailed Design!).
2) Fill it with water as blazing hot as long-lost sibling sexual tension.
3) There is only one official Star Wars-branded tea and it is out of stock because the world is cruel and desolate. But here are a few suggestions that are as close as we can get (sorry overlords!!!).
4) Pop one of those teas into your OFFICIALLY LICENSED Death Star Tea Infuser.
5) Go to your R2-D2 moving refrigerator (or let it come to you, I suppose).
6) From the belly of R2-D2, retrieve your French Vanilla/R2-D2- or Hazelnut/C-3PO-flavored creamer.
7) Limit yourself to conservative amounts of creamer (that stuff is $15 a bottle after all) with your R2-D2 Measuring Cup Set (Exclusive and Officially Licensed).
8) Pour your Star Wars (TM) tea into one of the 37 Star Wars mugs that you already own because most of your family only knows one or two things about your personality!
9) Stir the perfectly branded mixture up with your Easy Grip Star Wars Flatware (you don't need the fork right now, but there's always later, when you dig into your Star Wars-themed dinner!)
As is literally always true, at all times, everything is available in time for Christmas!
Disclosure: There is a life-size cut-out of a member of One Direction in my childhood bedroom right now, and let me tell you, I feel no pain. Merch forever.
Updated December 3rd 12:30 PM EST: Added link to shamefully out-of-stock Star Wars tea.