In recent days, you may have seen reports of a new weird internet thing / art form called "Bread Face." If you haven't seen the reports, it doesn't matter because Bread Face is exactly what you are thinking. It's a person pushing their face into different breads, of course. An Instagram account dedicated to this practice has only 828 followers, which is difficult to believe because there must be at least 900 if not 950 enthusiasts of such a thing.
Watching someone press their face into various breads is funny, as all bread humor is. But we honestly cannot bring ourselves to care. We are simply too distracted by this woman’s fine collection of upperbodywear. This woman is not only rubbing her face in bread, she is rubbing all of our faces in her amazing shirt trove. In each of the videos, she wears a different shirt — each incredible. Most of us can barely imagine owning 12 shirts that we find passable, much less fantastic beyond our wildest dreams!
Let's go through Bread Face's collection piece by piece. You know what time it is: Shirt Talk, with Ashley and Kaitlyn.
Ashley: I didn’t think anything could ever draw my attention away from cornbread, but that metallic shirt. It’s so shiny. It looks like rose gold tin foil and I love it. The thin straps are also giving me serious '90s vibes. So on-trend.
Kaitlyn: Beautiful shirt — golden, architectural. A true statement shirt, for a woman making a true statement about bread.
Ashley: Pretty sure this is an American Apparel turtleneck crop top. Even though these are EVERYWHERE and EVERYONE has them, they’re great. A+ choice, Bread Face.
Kaitlyn: A midi turtle tank? Are you serious? How did you get this shirt out of the clutches of Taylor Swift, might I ask? Can I have it, might I ask?
Ashley: Bless Bread Face for wearing a Hawaiian shirt while, uh, facing these Hawaiian rolls. Bless her.
Kaitlyn: Comfortable men’s button down, tropical flowers. A chill shirt is a great shirt.
Ashley: Honestly, I can’t get past the purple mood lighting and The Weeknd to focus on the shirt here. But I'm definitely digging the choker.
Kaitlyn: Simple shirt. Potentially from the Gap, circa 2003. I want it.
Ashley: Very interesting juxtaposition of the everything bagel and a pineapple shirt. This video speaks to me.
Kaitlyn: A heavily embroidered sweatshirt, bedazzled with images of the best fruit there is. Mail me this shirt.
Ashley: I can’t wear cheetah print — I’m not spicy enough for it. But this chick smashes her face on bread, so clearly she’s worthy of such a commanding pattern.
Kaitlyn: A modern woman in an animal print may be a cliché, but it’s a cliché for a Sarah Jessica Parker reason, and give me it.
Ashley: Her nails and choker really speak for the outfit here. Minimal black and white T-shirt with a pop of red is always a good look. Remember that, y’all.
Kaitlyn: I’ve never seen the movie advertised on this T-shirt, but I’m sure this brilliantly shirted woman wouldn’t steer me wrong.
Ashley: I have so many questions about the subtle rip in the corner of her shirt. Why is it ripped? Who ripped it? Was it a strenuous activity that ripped it or is it a fashion rip, all tear and no glorious story to go along with it? We’ll likely never know.
Kaitlyn: This charcoal T-shirt is three sizes too big for this woman, and the collar is ripped. She doesn't care, nor do I. This is the chillest shirt in existence, and I can do my Flashdance routine in it.
Ashley: Those thin straps. And possibly American Apparel again? Dying to know if this really is a shirt or is a dress.
Kaitlyn: BLACK SATIN TANK TOP. By the grace of Alicia Silverstone, put this shirt on my body now.
Ashley: This T-shirt is so accessible. Really speaks to the masses and brings me back to time I spent in Missouri.
Kaitlyn: If someone gives you a hideous shirt for free, you can make it cool by wearing it the fuck anyway.
Ashley: Although English Muffins might be the most basic bread, I appreciate that Bread Face adds some flare to its blandness with major tropical flowers. (Another American Apparel piece?!)
Kaitlyn: There’s no way you wear this shirt and don’t feel like your worries have been replaced with sherbet.
Ashley: Hmm. Maybe more American Apparel? But loving the lips and the deep V. Very sexy for a casual bread session.
Kaitlyn: Yes to this shirt, yes to life.