We're about seven hours away from a brand new year here on the East Coast, and people around the world are looking forward to 2016 with optimism and good cheer. Some of us are ready to focus on resolutions — mine's eating less dime store candy, a difficult task but one I can handle — and some of us are just looking forward to midnight Chinese food and celebrity tweets.
Unfortunately, a few people are going into the new year disappointed. Maybe they don't have someone to kiss when the ball drops this year; maybe their holiday season wasn't as joyous and relaxing as they'd hoped. Some of us are carrying unanswered questions with us into the new year, mysteries that are boring holes into our hearts with every day they remain unsolved. Famous teen (and amateur conspiracy theorist) Kylie Jenner knows that feeling.
May 26, 2015
Kylie posed this set of bold questions regarding chemtrails — the condensation trails spewed by high-flying jets that linger in the sky, trails that some people contend are stuffed with toxic, malicious chemicals — on May 26th of this year, meaning they've gone unanswered for over seven months. As The Verge's chief Kardashian-Jenner correspondent, I was keeping tabs on Kylie's quest for answers; I was planning on revisiting her search for justice on May 26th, 2016, the anniversary of her initial request. My plans changed this afternoon when Jenner's half-sister Kim Kardashian West decided to give her sibling one last burst of 2015 promotion:
Kim's decision to help her sister helped me realize there's no better time to evaluate Kylie's questions than New Year's Eve. This is a time when people around the world are reflecting on the progress and mistakes they've made over the last 365 days, resolving to help build a better future in some small way. The least I can do is quickly run through everything Kylie's asking. Let's evaluate:
- Why did I see 75 planes spraying white stuff into the sky on my 15 minute drive to work? There are a lot of variables here, obviously. Kylie should've taken a bigger sample by counting planes on several different days, and she could've experimented with different routes to figure out if she's just driving in a heavily trafficked zone. I walk 15 seconds from my bedroom to my living room when I'm commuting, so I have no first-hand experience. "White stuff" sounds scary, though?
- Who pays for this and why is it happening? Undetermined and undetermined, sadly.
- Is something being exterminated here? Is that something me? It's only been a few months, but neither Kylie nor Kim has yet been the victim of a plane-based extermination.
- Does this have anything to do with why Honey Bee's are Dying off really fast? I didn't feel equipped to answer this question, so I turned to The Verge's science reporters for help. They treated the question with their customary rigor and intelligence, but when I told them Kylie probably thinks this all has to do with government-delivered chemicals we settled on "probably not."
- Why are some days normal with no planes spraying and others look like this? If I can take a moment to step outside of the Q&A format, I like this question because it allows me to pretend Kylie actually created this terrible picture herself. Is that a picture taken from her Calabasas backyard? Is Kris Jenner lurking in the kitchen, sipping a mimosa and hoping this is just a phase? What program did she use to put the text over top? A guy can dream.
- Whos is responcible? We still don't know what to do with the burden of "responcibility" here.
- What effect will this have on our health and our childrens future? *shrug*
- WHO THE F#*% THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? President Obama should take Kylie's calls when he's done hanging out with Jerry Seinfeld.
- Am I the only one who sees this? Kylie's initial tweet has been retweeted almost 9,000 times as of press time. Some of those RTs are undoubtedly coming from bots or are meant to make fun of her, but I'm sure there are at least a few other true believers in there, meaning she's not the only one who "sees this."
It's clear at this point that I'm probably not going to provide Kylie with any satisfactory answers regarding her unexplained phenomena any time soon. With that in mind, I'm hoping Kylie, Kim, and the rest of the Kardashian-Jenners resolve to get this whole conspiracy theory thing out of their systems. They're all busy with their assorted TV shows, social networks, and business ventures. Tweeting about chemtrails just gives trolls who don't respect their savvy and acumen another reason to write them off. They're better than shoddy, misspelled memes.
(And for all of you reading — happy new year! I'll see you in 2016.)