I'll be honest with you: I haven't seen all of the Marvel movies. I don't think I've seen the first Avengers movie all the way through (I caught part of it one afternoon on HBO, just enough so I can say I've seen it in casual conversation and avoid 10 minutes of "oh my god WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?")
But I like to think of myself as a pretty skilled interpreter of visual media, and so when I started seeing this IMAX poster for Avengers: Age of Ultron floating around the internet, I had two thoughts: 1) That looks like a Transformers poster and an Expendables poster had a very noisy, gritty baby, and 2) What does that mean for Ultron? I immediately started perusing the debris-strewn graphic for clues and insight into the plot — and more importantly, the vibe — of the highly anticipated sequel.
Below is what I'm pretty sure is a fairly accurate script for the film. Proceed with caution, especially if you don't want some of the most shocking moments from the summer's biggest movie spoiled for you.
***Caution: major spoilers ahead!***
We open on the smoldering ruins of Tony Stark's house, which just got destroyed by a bunch of car parts being dropped on it. But who are those floating men fleeing the scene of the crime?
Nick Fury leans wistfully against a wall of car parts.
NICK FURY: Damn, I'm gonna miss that place.
THOR: Did someone say my name?
Wild audience applause.
THOR: I will avenge* your house, Tony!
IRON MAN: Hey everyone, take it down a notch, mkay? Let's try to figure out what kind of crazy enemy we're up against this time.
Some debris crumbles in the breeze.
IRON MAN: (murmuring distantly to himself) Yeah ... wires ... bolts ... that just may be the ticket!
Meanwhile, Black Widow has found herself in quite the sexy predicament.
BLACK WIDOW: You guys! I'm stuck in this triangle — I'm sure how much longer I can hold it back!
HAWKEYE: I'll be right there, babe! Just as soon as I find these floating guys that messed up Tony's house...
HULK: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, HAWKEYE, TURN THE FUCK AROUND, YOU USELESS WASTE OF SPACE
Hulk's body turns into cars.
NICK FURY: Damn, I'm gonna miss that guy.
A tube fills with some kind of energy.
POST CREDITS EASTER EGG:
A villainous arrow is pointed at Captain America.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Uh, guys? Little help?
CUT TO BLACK