Drake wakes up. He looks out his sizable bedroom window and across his swelling, well-manicured grounds while thinking about his saltwater pool. It's so big. Bigger than most pools. Maybe he will go swimming today. He turns around and notices a man lying in his bed. A beautiful man, with pristine facial hair and a thick neck. He looks closer at the man. Poreless. He touches the man's skin and feels a hand on his own face. This man is him. This man is Drake.

Scene 1: Drake and Drake get margaritas

Drake is thirsty, so Drake and Drake decide to go get drinks. They go to a T.G.I.Friday's because Drake appreciates the taxidermy on the walls and empathizes with the crowds of office drones eating spinach dip at 11AM.

DRAKE: Have you ever noticed the propensity of all humankind to categorically sabotage the very essence of the particularities and idiosyncrasies that make us truly unique? It muddles the mind. "Personality is only ripe when a man has made the truth his own." I think Kierkegaard said that.

DRAKE: He did say that. Do you want to split the BBQ wrap?

Scene 2: Drake and Drake wear Drake shirts

Drake and Drake have successfully gotten drunk on the sweet and salty faux-marg orgy offered on the T.G.I.Friday's menu, so they decide to celebrate their joint existence with matching t-shirts.

DRAKE: These shirts are great. You look great, Drake. I look okay.

DRAKE: I sometimes wonder about the inescapable futility of bespoke clothing, and how, rather than arming us with the tools we need to combat an ever-aggressive capitalist society, they merely subdue us into a state of mimed complacency. But no, you look better than okay.

Scene 3: One of the Drakes finds love

One of the Drakes meets a woman while out on a morning jog. She jogs alongside him. They are fluid; perfectly in sync. They fall in love. Love shrinks Drake's world, and his time spent with other Drake becomes more and more infrequent.

DRAKE: I’m just sayin’ you could do better. Tell me have you heard that lately? Additionally, have you ever considered that love is a deranged experiment created by corporate slogs to see just how much unending torture the human brain can endure?

DRAKE: But I love you, Drake. That's not an experiment.

Scene 4: The Drakes have a falling out, and then a reunion

The Drakes are getting ready for bed. Drake is reading Elena Ferrante's The Days of Abandonment. Drake is still in love, but he's worried about Drake. Other Drake is moody and cold.

DRAKE: I love how Ferrante uses gendered diffusion of responsibility and the trappings of mental fragility without ever rendering her protagonist a pitiful caricature of female struggle. Perhaps you should be more like Ferrante, Drake.

DRAKE: I would like you to consider the possibility that you may be overreacting.

DRAKE: And I would like you to consider the possibility that there is no stronger bond than ours. No intangible feeling of sensuality and companionship can usurp our core design of sameness. I love you, and I'm going to bed.

DRAKE: Goodnight, sleep well. Don't let the absurdity and meaninglessness of life deprive you of the satisfaction and joy which inexplicably arise nevertheless.

This has been A Tale of Two Drakes: fan fiction inspired by the Drake Twins Instagram account.

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