It was just last week that I introduced the Marriage Pits into The Game of Game of Thrones, and my initial hesitance has already justified itself. Sansa Stark and Ramsay Snow went ahead and made it official in the Godswood (+20 each) and celebrated, as is tradition, in the North with a controversial rape scene! (+20 each ... ?) Can I even give points for something this unpleasant? (Answer: no.) Of course, far away on the distant continent of Blogospheros, many would argue that this is the point at which not only Ramsay "lost the show" but the show "lost touch with humanity." I was rather hoping for Sansa to shiv Ramsay right in the assault kit, but the symbolic black dye has been washed out of her hair (side note: how long has she gone without a shampoo, then?), and without her mentor in deviousness Littlefinger around, she's lost her newly acquired cynical 'tude. Instead, the best we can hope for at this point is a "the fucked becomes the fucker" (ugh) plot line, which is hardly original territory for Thrones, or, you know, any old exploitation film.
Can I even give points for something this unpleasant?
At least she got to lay down the law for a moment with her would-be (and probably still will-be) tormentor Miranda. "I'm Sansa Stark of Winterfell. This is my home, and you can't frighten me," she declares to Ramsay's visibly stunned sidekick / piece. (+10) It worked for the moment, not that it matters much — Miranda's not exactly her biggest problem right now.
Still, props to Sansa for having stayed completely off the grid since leaving King's Landing — judging by Cersei's disbelief at her continued existence and current residence in Winterfell. Both Stark girls have been working at becoming No One this season, Arya Stark perhaps more literally than her older sister. This week she got another step closer to that goal, and unlocked a whole new dungeon in the House of Black and White! I'm gonna go ahead and call it a promotion — or at least a workplace upgrade. (+25) Arya also Valar Morghulis'ed some poor sick kid with the water from the death fountain (+10) ... yeah, I'm starting to have a hard time following this thread, too.
Cock merchants! Near-constant rape! Behold, the magical fantasy world of George R.R. Martin!
I suppose it's worth noting that this was yet another Meereen-free episode, and that's okay, as long as Daenerys is using this time to plan her wedding to Mr. zo Loraq. But now it seems we're mostly just biding our time and waiting for Jorah and Tyrion to arrive on her pyramid steps. That has been both expedited and complicated this week with their capture by slave traders, who intend to take both our dudes to Meereen — how convenient for Tyrion, once again! The traders' goals are twofold: to sell Tyrion's dick to a "cock merchant" (Cock merchants! Near-constant rape! Behold, the magical fantasy world of George R.R. Martin!) and to throw Jorah into Daenerys' newly reopened fighting pits. I smell a dramatic reunion! Do you guys think Jorah and Dany are OTP? [ ] Yes [ ] No.
You guys, what if Showgirls took place in Westeros
Also, where is Varys in all this? Being faux-Daenerys' sassy best friend with great fashion sense, and supporting her dreams as she tries to break out of the brothels and into the big time? Oh my god, what if Showgirls took place in Westeros? God, I'd rather be watching that show this week.
Anyway, back to this week's much drearier proceedings. Kewl #teens Trystane Martell and Myrcella are M.O.ing in the water gardens when they are walked in on by Jaime and Bronn. Ugh, daaaaad/uncllllle! They're soon joined by Trystane's totally psychotic cousins, and everyone fights and flails around for a while more or less yelling "hiii-ya" at each other until they're stopped by Doran's axe-wielding butler.
I'm bored and not feeling very charitable to this show this week, so — ominous horns! — I'm going to go ahead and punch the "boring side plot" demerit button, not only for Jaime and Bronn, but for all the Sand Snakes as well. We're six episodes in, and I am not sold on all the hype about Oberyn's daughters. They take themselves way too seriously, they're not nearly scary enough (only one kill between the three of them this season, and he was a redshirt buried to his neck in sand — very low difficulty level), and they all have very belabored "foreign sounding" accents. I dunno. Prove me wrong, ladies, prove me wrong.
I am not at all sold on the Sand Snakes
This -10 score will be applied to each character for every episode the Sand Snakes, Bronn, and Jaime have made an appearance since the Dorne mission subplot kicked off. It will continue to be automatically applied until the plot itself either ends or gives us some proper payoff. So right now, that's -30 each for Bronn and Jaime, and -20 each for Obara, Tyene, and Nym. Deepest apologies to those of you who had these guys drafted, nobody thought you were wrong in the preseason.
Is Lady Olenna the Cookie Lyon of Game of Thrones?
At least there was one ray of sunlight this week: Lady Olenna Motherfucking Tyrell made her triumphant return to King's Landing, with a banger of an opening line ("You can smell the shit from five miles away" — +5). Is Olenna the Cookie Lyon of Game of Thrones? God, I wish. There were so many scenes I would have had her walk into this week, teetering on some imported Volantian stilettos and examining her manicure, and interrupting the conversation with something irreverent and cutting. ("Arya, girl, what are you doing wasting your time with these many-bitch-faces? We got a hit record to make!")
Olenna and Cersei got one nice little tête-à-tête in ("Put the pen down, we know you're not writing anything" — once again, Olenna speaks for the people, +5), but this didn't last long before Cersei's long con to get rid of the Tyrells finally came into full flower, so to speak, with the Faith Militant convicting both Loras and Margaery of generalized immorality. I hated this! (And seriously, -15 to royal dud Tommen for just sitting there and letting it happen.) I just hope Cersei has a Dark Knight moment before she has her rival's head chopped off or whatever she plans on doing — she shouldn't have her killed, because she's just too much fun! I don't think Cersei realizes how much life Margaery gives her, how much she focuses all her negative energy and anger, like a beautiful, doll-like prism. Someone like that can be very useful and healthy to have in one's life!
Cersei, please reconsider. It's like your thrice-removed long-lost Lannister cousin Taylor Swift says: "You know I love the players, and you love the game." Killing Margaery will only make everyone unhappy, and it might force me to just toss the entire Game of Game of Thrones board out the window like a morose little baby who needs a nap. (Haha, "like.")
In closing: Holy shit, look at how bad this week was!
This week's top scoring characters, (calculated from this total b.s. points guide)
- Arya Star (36)
- Sansa Stark (31)
- Cersei Lannister (21)
- Ramsay Bolton (21)
- Olenna Tyrell (11)
- The Old Gods (they helped make that wonderful wedding happen!) (11)
This week's lowest scoring characters (a fun new list!)
- Jaime Lannister (-29)
- Bronn (-29)
- Tyene Sand (-19)
- Obara Sand (-19)
- Nymeria Sand (-19)
- Tommen Baratheon (-14)
This week's league rankings
- Liz Lopatto: 33 points, (284 total)
- Kwame Opam: 2 points (218 total)
- Ross Miller: -6 points (196 total)
- Casey Newton: -13 points (186 total)
- Bryan Bishop: 1 point (167 total)
- Adi Robertson: 38 points (164 total)
- Chris Plante: -60 points (142 total)
- Dieter Bohn: 2 points (125 total)
- Arielle Duhaime-Ross: 23 points (101 total)