Today, I received an email from a Nintendo publicist with the subject line: "Nintendo of America Hires Bowser as New VP of Sales." Because publicists would never mislead me, I didn't bother opening the email, and can only assume it's a longwinded apology for the boneheaded decision to promote the company's most notorious villain into such an important position, presumably one that has a great salary and decent benefits.

I want to point out the obvious reasons Nintendo should not have hired Bowser as VP of Sales:

1. Bowser has a history of kidnapping women.

2. Bowser munches on humans.

3. Bowser is a dinosaur. Or a dragon. Whatever, the doors in Nintendo's offices aren't designed for him, and it's time people respected the work of our nation's architects.

4. Let’s not forget Bowser has neither a degree in business nor has shown any experience with sales

5. I know I mentioned this already, but Bowser's kidnapping women agenda is really problematic.

6. Bowser comes to Nintendo from Electronic Arts.

I believe Nintendo will do the right thing. And if it doesn't, it can count on me deleting this email and never learning any additional details.

[Meet Nintendo's new VP of Sales, Doug Bowser. He really does come from a lengthy run in VP positions at EA.]