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Spider-Man is contractually obligated to be boring at parties

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Spider-Man is one of the most dynamic, entertaining superheroes in comics. He's quick with a quip anytime he's taking down bad guys, and even when his life is in shambles, he's always able to make it through with a little humor. (Presumably to keep himself sane.) If he existed in real life, you'd expect him to occasionally have one too many beers at the bar. But no. Leaked documents from the recent Sony hack reveal that we will likely never see Spider-Man, Peter Parker or otherwise, chilling out at the pub with his bros.

Gawker pored over the leaks to show the Spidey guidelines, and they reveal that, as a baseline, Spider-Man must be kind of boring when it comes to recreational activities for ordinary humans. (Torture doesn't count, obviously. He isn't Jack Bauer.) Sony has to abide by these rules. Otherwise, Marvel can step in and stop the movie's development altogether.

Sony Hack

I appreciate that all this is meant to stay in keeping with the comics. Web-slinging is the only drug he needs. I get it. But come on now. You're telling me a man who loses the love of his life to a green, pumpkin bomb-loving maniac doesn't want to drown his sorrow in a few Heinekens?

However, it's important to mention that Sony has the option to depict other versions of Spider-Man, meaning the character can be black or gay so long as it isn't Peter Parker and it's pulled from comics canon. Sony will just have to apply these guidelines to the character. That means Miles Morales will never try cigarettes and think they just aren't for him, and Miguel O'Hara will never be able to experiment with his sexuality in the year 2099. (That's right. I'd love a Spider-Man 2099 movie!) Do our heroes really need to be so bland?


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