I know how difficult it can be to come up with a hyperbolic and definitive opinion about Apple news. First you have to choose some words, then you have to align them in a sentence. If you're lucky, you have enough left in the tank to slander another writer for saying almost exactly the same thing.
I want to save everyone that unnecessary work for today's Apple event — and really any Apple event. Because I've seen Apple opinions in the past, and everybody deserves this verbal vacation. Please allow my Apple Event Opinion Generator to fill your comments sections, social media platforms, and op-ed pages.