Dear Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson,
If I am not your biggest fan, then I am certainly a high ranking member of your unofficial fan club. Perhaps I'm the historian. Or secretary. We don't have meetings, so there's never been a good opportunity to assign roles. As a member of the Fast and Furious ensemble, I'm sure you understand how difficult delegation can be. I digress.
Dwayne — you don't mind if I call you that, right? Dwayne? I'm going to go with Dwayne, but if you don't like that let me know at any time and I will stop. Dwayne, something is different about you, and I don't know if it's for the better. Let me be clear. You were excellent in Furious 7. You could have appeared in the whole film, but your limited screen time reminded us that absence truly makes the heart grow fonder. The trouble is everything that's happened since I saw that movie.
I just don't know how to feel about Ballers. Because it's not good? San Andreas made a lot of money, but awful movies often do. I hear you've agreed to appear in two more Journey to the Center of the Earth movies. Tell me this isn't true. Even the good news sounds bad: I would love for a great remake of Big Trouble in Little China, but — and I don't know how else to say this — the original is of its time.
I discover your first instinct after bending your finger like it's Play-Doh isn't to seek medical attention but to boost your social media game. you trick your fans, the ones who love you most and worry about your health and safety, with a classic "look, I broke my finger in a horrific way" prank. What sort of message is that for the kids? What are you trying to do? Are you trying to win me back? Is this your way of saying, "Chris — may I call you Chris? Chris, Central Intelligence, coming to theaters next year, is going to be a hoot and a half. And let's not forget about Shazam, even though it's years away from release and creatively controlled by DC. You just have to trust me. You know I would never do you wrong, not intentionally so. You're my number one fan, or at least a high ranking member of my unofficial fan club. I'm going to say you're the president, because you deserve the title."
Well you know what, Mr. The Rock? I don't trust you. Not anymore. Good luck making a movie that will inevitably be promoted with the words "From the people that brought you We're the Millers."
Former president of the unofficial Rock Fan Club Chris Plante
Update July 14th, 6:45PM: The Rock didn't break his finger. Variety confirms that his Instagram video is a prank. The story has been updated to reflect this information along with the continued decline of my Rock fandom.