I never took Donald Trump to be self-critical. The way he pins his toupee, how he scrunches his face when a woman questions his track record as a belligerent misogynist, his insatiable need to patronize everyone who doesn't light votives at his altar: he just doesn't seem like the sort of human who looks inward. However, Trump — or at least someone his company pays — has made the effort to pinpoint some of his most mockable traits and boneheaded ideas, and has purchased any related URLs.
The best defense on the internet is a good offense, and according to a report from Business Insider, the Trump Organization has as aggressive an offensive strategy as any. The company has registered 3,153 web addresses. And Trump's son Eric, the executive vice president of development and acquisition at the Trump Organization, claims the company owns "tens of thousands" of additional URLS.
What purpose would this best serve?
A) A humorous sound board
B) A Siri-like artificial intelligence personal assistant
C) A gallery of nearly nude Donald Trump boudoir shots
D) All of the above
I want to believe a Donald Trump game would never rise to the popularity of Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, but I also admit there's some schadenfreude to be had in Trump leeching millions of 99-cent in-app-purchases, effectively bleeding devotees who aspire to be billionaires of their hard earned dollars. Which, let's be honest, has been Trump's strategy on everything from Trump Steaks to the Central Park Carousel.
In outer space you can't breathe because there is no air; in Trumpverspace you can't breathe because that air will cost you, you dirty freeloader.
I know this is meant for Trump Vancouver, YVR being the handle for the Vancouver airport, but I like to believe Donald Trump is dipping his toes in the virtual reality sector with Trumpy VR. I also like to believe on cold winter nights, Donald Trump snuggles up with a hot chocolate and a warm blanket, and only responds to Lil' Trumpy.
I had to Google this to make sure it wasn't a real thing. In 2005, Trump did sell an alcoholic product called Trump: The World's Finest Super Premium Vodka. But You're Fired Vodka, a premium liquor I do not doubt, has yet to grace the lips of high school students who just grabbed the only thing they figured their parents wouldn't know went missing from the liquor cabinet.
For when you want something that looks nice, but isn't.
For when you want a mental image even more nauseating than Trump bath.
I like this URL because it either fundamentally misunderstands the electoral process (we vote for people, not against them) or brilliantly understands the modern electoral mindset (we vote against our rival party, not for a person).
This is profoundly forward thinking. Now the playwright of the Fringe Festival play comprised of actual quotes from the Trump presidential campaign will have to pay the Trump Organization for the rights to its web address.
Those who do not own history URLs are doomed to buy them without leverage.
Not really sure why Trump needs this when he has Breitbart.com.
This is either for a future strip club, a pre-school, or a funeral home. Your guess is as good as mine.
The original Trump Network had many traits of a pyramid scheme, and was eventually sold off. What can we expect from the sequel?
Trump University is still believed by many to be a scam. He's currently embroiled in a class action lawsuit over the program.
You're probably noticing a theme here.
It's as if Donald Trump has a history of being involved in toxic business.
Almost as if Donald Trump engages in schemes that have deleterious effects on the people who choose his product simply because they believe in his name.
The people most harmed by Donald Trump are the people who most want to be Donald Trump.
Of course, you cannot be Donald Trump. You can't even have a semi-related web address. Donald Trump's entire kingdom is built atop the premise that there's only one Trump. And when Trump ceases to be? He has that covered, too.