I wouldn’t necessarily say I was excited about seeing Hitman: Agent 47. I wasn’t a fan of the original Timothy Olyphant movie adaptation, and the game series always seemed to aim for the basest of instincts: you play a genetically engineered assassin known only as “47,” and as such you basically, well, kill a lot of people. But I liked star Rupert Friend in the last few seasons of Homeland well enough, and with Zachary Quinto (Heroes, Star Trek) on board there seemed to be a slim possibility that this would be some sort of elevated entry into the series.
Neither that thin thread of optimism nor the Ketel and tonic I had beforehand did much to help when Hitman: Agent 47 began its bloody, unbearable, and often laughable 90-plus-minute parade of violence and direct-to-video drama. It wasn’t just that the premise was tripe — Hannah Ware plays Katia, a young woman who has been obsessively searching for a strange man that she can’t quite remember, only to discover that he is the key to a dormant genetic engineering program; with both the mysterious Syndicate International and our bald assassin 47 in the hunt for the same man, she soon gets caught in the middle — it was the execution. Halfway through, amidst a barrage of cringe-worthy dialogue, incomprehensible action set pieces, and incoherent dramatic turns, I started thinking, “Surely, somebody could have done better than this.”
And then I had the thought that every critic has had while watching a Hitman movie: “Hell, I could do better than this.”
So after the screening, I went home, furiously started typing, and as the sun came up, I had a first draft of my own spinoff, titled Hitman: Bloodtribution. To be frank, it’s pretty damn awesome — my Agent 47 is an aging assassin, in a role that would be perfect for a Patrick Stewart type — but I wanted to find out what you, The Verge readers, thought. So I’ve rigged up a little quiz below, full of dialogue, scene descriptions, plot snippets, and some really sweet techno-phrases. For each question, you’ll be able to pick between two options: one will be from Hitman: Agent 47, and the other from Hitman: Bloodtribution. Vote on which you like better, and at the end we’ll see who really has the best new Hitman story out there. (Who knows, we may even release it; you have been reading Verge Fiction, haven’t you?)
Warning: spoilers for Hitman: Agent 47 and Hitman: Bloodtribution below.