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Carly Rae Jepsen is an actual vampire: an investigation

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This week, Carly Rae Jepsen released her third studio album, E*MO*TION, to critical acclaim and widespread popular interest. But while the album purports to be a collection of exuberant yet thoughtful synth pop tunes, it's actually something much more revealing: Jepsen is giving us an unprecedented exploration into the occult forces that have given her both pop stardom and eternal life at the cost of her immortal soul. Below, I will detail these forces as E*MO*TION describes them, painting an unsettling portrait of the undead souls that live among us.

(Style note: I have used full capitalization for emphasis below, as befits the urgency of the subject matter.)

1. Call me, Mabus

Hints of Jepsen's TRUE NATURE date all the way back to "Call Me Maybe." Revelations scholar William Tapley first explained the link in his seminal 2012 video "The Apocalypse Arrives Gangnam Style!" According to Tapley, the INESCAPABLE COUPLET "here's my number / so call me maybe" in fact refers to the antichrist figure Mabus (first predicted by Nostradamus in the year 1555), identifying himself (herself?) by invoking 666, the number of the beast.

But while Tapley takes this to mean Jepsen is herself Mabus, it can also be read as a REQUEST TO BE SUMMONED INTO THE MORTAL REALM. Here's my number (I am a vampire spirit, aligned with satanic forces), so call me maybe (summon me, Mabus).

2. The blood is the life

The clearest indication of Jepsen’s occult nature comes on the song "Warm Blood." The song leads off: "I’ve got a cavern of secrets, none of them are for you." But as the lyric proceeds, we realize that Jepsen plans to reveal these secrets in the chorus:

I cannot control it
The way you’re making me feel
And you have got me going
spinning circles ‘round your warm blood

Warm blood, feels good, I can’t control it anymore.

After attempting to stifle her UNHOLY THIRST FOR THE BLOOD OF THE LIVING, Jepsen has succumbed to her demonic nature and devoured another helpless mortal soul. Like all vampires, she is ultimately in thrall to the forces of evil, and "can’t control" her hunger for blood.

Later songs confirm this impression, as Jepsen paints herself as a "SINNER IN SECRET" who will "run to your side when your HEART IS BLEEDING" and cannot "lay down to die" because she does not age. The title track delves into powers of vampiric hypnotism, as Jepsen invites the listener to "be tormented by me." Further lyrics deal with the persistence of evil ("Black Heart") and Jepsen’s struggle to live amongst mortal humans ("Boy Problems").

3. The dance of the damned

I didn’t just come here to dance / if you know what I mean / do you know what I mean?

Do we truly know what she means? We are being offered a chance to transcend the mortal realm, joining the ACCLAIMED SINGER in a SATANIC PACT for immortality.

If you’d just give me a chance / you’d see what I see / do you see what I see?

As a vampire, Jepsen has perceptual powers beyond mere mortals, powers we too can achieve by joining her as a damned soul.

Hey Joe is calling me over / Tino is calling me over / I only came here for you (you)

Who are Joe and Tino? What is their role in this WICKED RITUAL? After hours of study, I am still unsure. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Joe Tino is an anagram for "Eon I jot," a concealed reference to the length of time in which Ms. Jepsen will be writing her intoxicating shanties.)

4. The pyramid of time

Inevitably, we must also GRAPPLE with the enigma of the album title itself. It is cryptically broken out into three sections "E-Mo-Tion," a puzzle which ultimately reveals that Jepsen is EXPERIENCING TIME ON A SCALE BEYOND HUMAN COMPREHENSION.

The three sections of the title form a pyramid (1-2-4), a well-documented symbol of the Illuminati and IMMORTALIST CULTS throughout history. Plotting this pyramid, three words are clearly visible:

  • TIME: This is the PYRAMID OF TIME — time as experienced by the immortal undead.
  • MOON: The moon (luna) is a symbol of vampires' nocturnal habits and persistent figure within the occult.
  • EON: A unit of time that far surpasses human capacity to record it. Jepsen is telling us she has lived for eons, and will continue for eons to come. We are AS FLIES to her. (EDITOR’S NOTE: See: Joe and Tino.)

Notably, each word unfolds along one side of the pyramid: TIME moving from southwest to northeast, EON from northwest (North West?!?) to southeast, and MOON from west to east. Taken as a whole, we arrive back at the simple but enigmatic title: Emotion.

5. What is the true meaning?

While the ACCUMULATION OF EVIDENCE is staggering, there are still a number of unanswered questions. Did Carly Rae Jepsen intentionally plant these clues as a sub rosa signal of her true nature? Was she SUBCONSCIOUSLY INFLUENCED BY MABUS or another force yet to be revealed? Is this simply a feint meant to cast doubt on the true nature of Jepsen's relation to the occult?

Obviously, further study is required. We will be watching this issue closely as it develops.