First Click: The internet of things says kids need this $350 toothbrush

September 4th, 2015

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The Philips Sonicare connected toothbrush for Kids is the perfect modern-day gadget… if you’re an engineering organization driven by marketing.

It’s perfect because it preys simultaneously upon the two most vulnerable and valuable classes of consumers: people who unflinchingly believe “smart” devices are better, and gullible parents who’ll spend any amount of money if they believe it benefits their children.

Roll the wholesome family video:

Where to even begin. Well, to start with, the mighty Philips corporation repeatedly refers to your loving child as "it" while comparing toothpaste to what every kid loves: peas. Next we see that its $49.99 Bluetooth toothbrush requires an iPad, the cheapest of which costs $299. Finally, it becomes clear that there's no way for the so-called "smart" toothbrush to know if it’s actually inside your child’s mouth. So, for all that expensive technology required to make it work, you’ll still have to stand there like most parents to ensure your child is brushing effectively.

No worries, I’m sure Philips will soon offer a remote monitoring kit that can be viewed from $700 smartphones.

Don’t be stupid, be smart and buy your kid one of those $2 egg timers with suction cups instead. Then you can splurge on a luxurious $3 toothbrush and put the remaining $345 towards educating your child about the idiocy of the Internet of Things.

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