Pokémon is back in the newly released section this month with Pokémon Sun and Moon. The pair introduce a new region to explore, additional creatures to capture, and more importantly, a delightful mess of terrible nightmares to disrupt your sleep.
Despite being a franchise beloved by children and adults alike, each new Pokémon has always featured a handful of horrific backstories. Occasionally they’re about specific locations in the game, like Pokémon Tower in the first generation’s Lavender Town; other times they pertain to the history or nature of pokémon themselves.
On Twitter, players have been sharing shots of their latest pokémon journeys. The moments that have caught my attention are bundles of text that continue this wonderful tradition:
Unwilling to wait to catch each pokémon for its precious backstory, I spent some time digging around Bulbapedia, which already has the pokédex entries for the latest generation of monsters. I’ve returned with a collection of my favorite hell-children.
The first thing to note about Pokémon Sun and Moon is that its description of each pokémon is different depending on the game. In the case of Araquanid, that difference is literally life or death. Just compare Sun’s description to what Moon has to say:
Pokémon Sun: It delivers headbutts with the water bubble on its head. Small Pokémon get sucked into the bubble, where they drown.
Pokémon Moon: Despite what its appearance suggests, it cares for others. If it finds vulnerable, weak Pokémon, it protectively brings them into its water bubble.
Well, I guess that’s something you’d want to seriously think about before you let your sweetest, tiniest pokémon out to play with Araquanid.
Sun labels Bewear as incredibly dangerous. Moon labels Bear as incredibly dangerous, but also quite loving!
Pokémon Moon: This Pokémon has the habit of hugging its companions. Many Trainers have left this world after their spines were squashed by its hug.
Question: Do people eat pokémon?
Pokémon Moon: It punches so much, its pincers often come off from overuse, but they grow back quickly. What little meat they contain is rich and delicious.
Guzzlord is honestly just me in college, a classic case of a beer-chugging shy pooper.
Pokémon Moon: A dangerous Ultra Beast, it appears to be eating constantly, but for some reason its droppings have never been found.
This is pokémon goes full Plato.
Pokémon Sun: It is born asleep, and it dies asleep. All its movements are apparently no more than the results of it tossing and turning in its dreams.
Pokémon Sun: Its actual appearance is unknown. A scholar who saw what was under its rag was overwhelmed by terror and died from the shock.
Wow, that’s so awful. Well, maybe Moon has a better descri—
Pokémon Moon: A lonely pokémon, it conceals its terrifying appearance beneath an old rag so it can get closer to people and other pokémon.
Oh, hang on! This one has a “busted form,” whatever that mea—
Pokémon Sun: After going to all the effort of disguising itself, its neck was broken. Whatever is inside is probably unharmed, but it's still feeling sad.
The good news about Sandygast, described below, is that it evolves into an even worse pokémon, Palossand. Palossand is a pile of nightmares and death. Palossand is an actual graveyard housing its own victims.
Pokémon Sun: Born from a sand mound playfully built by a child, this pokémon embodies the grudges of the departed.
Pokémon Sun: Possessed people controlled by this Pokémon transformed its sand mound into a castle. As it evolved, its power to curse grew ever stronger.
Pokémon Moon: Buried beneath the castle are masses of dried-up bones from those whose vitality it has drained.
I mean, really, nothing is more horrific than imagining yourself in a slap fight with someone who barfs up their spleen on you. On purpose.
Pokémon Sun: It lives in shallow seas, such as areas near a beach. It can eject its internal organs, which it uses to engulf its prey or battle enemies.