My main feeling when first watching this fox struggle to understand the difference between two common white substances — snow and cotton / poly blend fabrics — was that I wanted this fox very badly. I shouldn't have this fox, because I live in a small apartment and foxes pee on stuff for no reason. They also suffer the "October crazies," according to this fox's owner. I have no idea what that means, but I assume it entails me getting bitten by a fox.

But if I can't have this fox, at least I can help this fox. I feel very strongly that someone should explain the difference between sheets and snow to this poor dear so that she can get on with her life. As you can see, it's a field of study that she really struggles in.

Maybe that person should be me?

Dear fox,

If you're reading this, how?

If you're reading this, congrats.

If you're reading this, you've honestly done enough for today and might not want to exert yourself further. That's okay. Learning about what sheets and snow are can wait for another day.

However, I assume that a fine creature like yourself prefers not to be the subject of prolonged ridicule, and I have to break it you, fox — people are watching you and laughing. I don't say that to be harsh, it's just the truth. My mother and I had a similar conversation after I auditioned for my high school's production of 42nd Street. It is oft better to know where we stand.

The truth is that snow is one thing, and sheets are another. Snow is often outside, and sheets are not. That is, unless someone has tracked snow inside with their boots / paws, or unless someone's damp sheets have been hung outside to become less damp.

Don't look at me like that, there are exceptions to just about every rule. It's not my fault.

If you look carefully, snow is tiny crystals of frozen water. Sheets are not that, and never will be. Unless someone is referring to a "sheet of ice," which is merely a turn of phrase. I know you won't be fooled, smart cookie that you are.

Please stop peeing on the floor.

Things are what they are, and they are not other things. Just like you are a fox, and I am a girl, and we are not friends, and you will never come live with me.

I have accepted that, fox.

So please accept that sheets are sheets, and snow is snow, and you can have both, because the world is your oyster. But you can't just go around not knowing which is which.

Thank you, that is all.

Also, I love you.