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Seven minutes in the new Kendall and Kylie Jenner mobile game

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Kendall and Kylie Jenner, of Kardashian / Jenner family fame, have a new mobile game out today. It's called Kendall and Kylie, and it was made by Glu, the same company that made Kim Kardashian's game, Katy Perry's game, and will make Taylor Swift's upcoming game. Intrigued and resigned, Kaitlyn Tiffany and I decided to check it out. We thought we knew what to expect from the game — but we didn't know what to expect from ourselves.

The plot

Kaitlyn: Our character, Brody, established early on that her goal was an ascension to viral fame. That’s because someone asked Brody what her money-making plan was and her only options were "I'm going to go viral!" or "Leave that to me..." Brody has lavender hair and rockin’ hips. I have no idea where she came from, but now she lives in Santa Monica and wants to be a star.

After Brody settled into a subletted apartment and unpacked some boxes and changed her shirt because she sweated through her original shirt by unpacking boxes, she wandered out into the streets of Santa Monica. New friend Emily left Brody in charge of the salon she works at for no reason. Brody’s first customer was Aubrey Maddison, a woman who Brody managed to piss off immediately. Unfortunately Aubrey’s mom is a loan shark and Emily’s boss owes her a lot of money. Via some not-so-veiled threats from Aubrey, Brody realizes that she needs money for Aubrey’s mom to save Emily’s store — I think! First day in a new city.

kylie and kendall

So Brody goes to a club in Malibu to find Kylie and Kendall and take a selfie with them. Very logical! Kylie and Kendall listen to the sob story about the salon politely, impressed that Brody owns a salon at such a young age. Brody of course, does not actually own a salon. Brody lets Kylie and Kendall believe that she owns a salon for the time being because it’s much easier than telling the truth. Omitting a clarification is not quite a lie.

Kylie and Kendall offer to let Brody promote her salon at a restaurant that they’ll be at later, explaining that there will be lots of press and a red carpet, and implying that rich people who could pay Emily’s boss's loan shark loans may also be in attendance. Brody doubles down on the lie and accepts their invitation. Kendall and Kylie forget (benefit of the doubt) to put Brody’s name on the list but she flirts with a security guard and everything works out.

kylie selfie

My selfie with Kylie

Kendall sends Brody a sweet video message and Kylie lets her know that they are becoming fast friends. The lie rests on Brody’s mind, but she muscles through, reapplying her bright orange lipstick (presumably Kylie Jenner Lip Kit lipstick) for the 47th time since her spontaneous birth. And that's just the first seven minutes!

The characters

Lizzie: Kendall and Kylie are not Brody's true friends. Even though Brody completed one entire level of the game, she only got to talk directly to Kendall and Kylie once. Kylie said, "Hey, what’s up?" and then Kendall said, "What is your job?" or something to that effect. It was exactly like going to a party and suddenly finding yourself in the position of having to make painful small talk; once everyone talks about their jobs and the weather they start craning their necks around to see if someone will rescue them. No one rescued Brody. ​There are no real friends here.

Brody’s "friend" Perry, or "Perry," apologized to Kendall and Kylie for her behavior, as if Brody’s desire to be a viral internet star was just too embarrassing to handle. Sorry for dreaming, Perry.

And Perry wasn’t Brody’s only friend who sucked. Emily wore her hat on backwards the entire time, like Jason Giambi on a time out, sweating in the dugout. Apparently Emily is Brody’s BFF, or best friend forever, but she barely spoke to Brody, and when she did, she was mad because Brody wasn’t great at working at a salon and stacking boxes for the rest of her life, I guess.

Aubrey Maddison was a girl who was mad at Brody because she didn’t like her shirt. She said it looked like something "a housewife from Arizona" would wear, which is fine because maybe Brody is a housewife from Arizona. Her backstory is a complete mystery. It was an okay red shirt, like one that a farmer girl in a musical would wear.

the things you are awarded for doing a good job

  • Lightning bolts
  • Stars
  • Diamonds with K's in the middle
  • Circles with arrows in the middle
  • Dollar signs
  • "Followers"
  • Admission to the "100 Club"
  • Selfies with animated versions of Kendall and Kylie
  • Video messages from the actual Kendall and Kylie
  • The crushing guilt of lies, stacked one on top of the other
  • This screenshot of in-game Kylie Jenner meeting the avatar designed by IRL Kylie Jenner:

Guys look who I just met ;) #kendallkyliegame link in my bio

A photo posted by King Kylie (@kyliejenner) on