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Listen to the Fuller House theme by Carly Rae Jepsen forwards, backwards, and in slow-motion

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The theme song for Fuller House has made its way to the internet shortly ahead of the television show's premiere on Netflix. The tune is a cover of the original Full House theme, "Everywhere You Look." Grammy-snubbed pop star Carly Rae Jepsen does her best with a song that's both bluesy and treacly at the same time, but the final product is a mixed bag.

Carly Rae Jepsen deserves better. Now I'm no music producer, but how hard could it be? I have ears! I have Garageband! And I have time to take two shots at recreating the Fuller House theme for a modern audience, following its two antithetical moods to their natural conclusions.

Fuller House - The moody blues theme

The song is slowed to half-speed, emphasizing the lingering, gum-on-the-bottom of your shoes twang. Jepsen's voice is replaced with the lovechild of Audrey II and Oogie Boogie, doing a nasty impression of your friend's inebriated dad at open mic night.

Fuller House - The artsy pop theme

This admittedly more joyful tune shamelessly cribs from the recent Kanye West reverse track. The song is, I will say as someone who has no clue what they're talking about, like a crude mishmash of Animal Collective and the Japanese artist Capsule. A hymn to the pop gods boiling over guitar solos and electronic shivers, it will be forgotten.