You may have heard rumblings on your social media platform of choice about Ted Cruz and the Zodiac Killer, and how the two might be one in the same. You probably have questions, especially if you were born after 1975.

To help, I'd like to answer each question have you have individually. Let's begin with the most obvious and important question.

Is Ted Cruz actually the Zodiac Killer?

Here's what I know: Nothing. Here's what I want to know: Everything.

While I am an expert on Jake Gyllenhaal's turn as political cartoonist Robert Graysmith in the 2007 film Zodiac, I am not an expert on the actual Zodiac killer. I am also not an expert on Ted Cruz. I'm not totally an expert on uncaught serial killers, though my hometown did have one and there is a really weird and bad 2008 movie about him or her that I've seen a few times. One might say that I have no business sticking my nose into this investigation, considering how very green and otherwise employed I am.

Ha! Got you. That is exactly what they all said to Jake Gyllenhaal. I am the perfect woman for this job.

Kaitlyn, you're right. You are perfect for this job. That's why we can't afford to lose you to the madness that has consumed others trying to solve this true crime puzzle. Aren't you afraid?

I don't want to get carried away with feeble connections or tin foil theories, so I'm going to develop a safe word right now, for me to shout at myself if I think I'm going too off the rails. When Kaitlyn proposes a connection between Ted Cruz and the Zodiac Killer that seems difficult or impossible to substantiate, and / or when Kaitlyn's heart rate elevates over 120 beats per minute, Kaitlyn will yell "FINISH ALL THE MAZES, AND YOU CAN GO HOME," and get even more overexcited. Haha, this should be fun you guys.

Here are the questions:

• Who called Ted Cruz the Zodiac Killer?
• Why does anyone believe that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer?
• Is Ted Cruz the Zodiac Killer?

To answer these questions, I'll have to ask a lot more questions.

Hey now, I’m the one asking the questions, bub! Now, is there a widespread and almost inexplicably popular belief that Ted Cruz either is the Zodiac Killer or might be the Zodiac Killer?

Yes, and The Daily Dot chronicled the first online whisperings of this belief very thoroughly. Ted Cruz, who has referred to birth control pills as "abortifacients," was elected as a senator of Texas in 2012. In 2013, his star was rising, along with the Lone Star state's dedication to making the lives of women as unbearable as possible. The infamous SB-5 Bill, signed that summer by Governor Rick Perry after extended protests, introduced maliciously strict facility standards that closed most of the abortion clinics in the state. Cruz gave a speech in March of the same year at the Conservative Political Action Conference and received a standing ovation when he promised to help repeal funding for the Affordable Care Act. Cruz had previously expressed his opposition to the act on the grounds that its birth control mandates violated "the basic rights of everyone."

In the same speech he said "count me a proud wacko bird," in response to something John McCain did, which I am going to keep in mind throughout the rest of this investigation.

The first claim that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer was put forth by a viewer of this speech.

The second claim that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer came over a year later, shortly after Ted Cruz stated, "The biggest regulatory threat to the internet is ‘net neutrality.' In short, net neutrality is Obamacare for the internet," a nearly unprecedented pairing of completely insane thoughts. The Zodiac Killer obviously possessed the superior intellect required to create complicated cryptograms, and yet still did insane things like murdering people. Ted Cruz attended Harvard Law School, and yet still said "net neutrality is Obamacare for the internet."

Hundreds of others seem to consider this at least enough information for suspicion.

Tim Faust, an activist who is selling "Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer" T-shirts to support a nonprofit that helps women in El Paso, Texas access safe and affordable abortions, said he saw the theory on Twitter and found it to be "both interesting and plausible."

I agree that the theory is interesting, but the matter clearly requires further investigation.

Was Ted Cruz alive at the time of the Zodiac killings?

Strictly speaking: no. Ted Cruz was born in December of 1970, in Alberta, Canada. Being born in 1970 would suggest that Ted Cruz was incapable of committing the Zodiac killings because they occurred primarily in 1968 and 1969. Being born in Canada would suggest to some that Cruz is disqualified from being President of the United States. I don't really care if that's true, I only care if Cruz is the Zodiac Killer (which would also disqualify him from being President of the United States I assume).

From what I've seen of criminology programming — which, as an American, is a lot — you should always try to completely ignore the most obvious reason to believe that someone is innocent. For example in The Alphabet Killer, a film about my hometown and a murderer who lived there, they believed that Timothy Hutton was not the murderer because he used a wheelchair. At the end of the movie, it was revealed that Timothy Hutton was not actually paralyzed and used the wheelchair for the exact purpose of seeming like someone who couldn't commit murders. If someone wanted to seem like they were a person who could not possibly have committed murders that mostly took place in 1968 and 1969, appearing to have been born in 1970 seems like an almost painfully obvious way to accomplish that.

(President Obama didn't fake his birth certificate, but that doesn't mean I think no one ever has.)

Did Ted Cruz live in or visit the area in which the Zodiac killings took place?

The Zodiac murders were committed in Northern California, which is kind of far from Canada, as some have pointed out. In 1974, Cruz and his family moved to Houston, Texas, which is even further. What these facts imply is unclear to me. New York City is kind of far from Las Vegas, but I've been there, and it was terrible.

Are there any bizarre, inexplicable similarities between Ted Cruz and the Zodiac Killer?

Does Ted Cruz bear a physical resemblance to police composite drawings of the Zodiac Killer?

Yes.

Would a trial by court of public opinion in the state of Florida prove Ted Cruz guilty of being the Zodiac Killer?

According to a recent poll conducted by Public Policy Polling, 38 percent of Florida voters believe that it is possible that Cruz is the Zodiac Killer, with 10 percent sure that he is. It is unknown whether the other 62 percent have been confronted with a formal presentation of the evidence.

Are men more likely to be murderers? Are serial killers more likely to be white men? Are people with blue eyes more likely to be sociopaths?

Yes on all counts.

Is Ted Cruz a man? Is Ted Cruz a white man? Does Ted Cruz have blue eyes?

Yes, on all counts but the last, which seemed like the least important anyway.

Has Ted Cruz voluntarily recorded himself expressing a demented worldview in which he himself is the source of all power?

Does Ted Cruz' family fear him, in the way which you would fear a family member only if you knew them to be a killer of teens?

Has one of Ted Cruz' colleagues joked that were Ted Cruz to be murdered in front of a significant chunk of the United States government, the murderer would go free because justice would have been served, honoring the law not in letter but certainly in spirit?

​Has an employee of the United States government ever killed a serial killer and not been tried?

Has Ted Cruz denied being the Zodiac Killer?

No.

Do I know for sure that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer?

I don't, but I won't give up the search for the truth until I've lost my job and everyone I love.