I got my first cellphone in 2003, and my first smartphone in 2011. Kanye West, ever the purveyor of tech, apparently got his first phone in 2011, too, and only because he wanted to steal Kim Kardashian's love from her then-fiancé and very-tall-person Kris Humphries.
He explains in a clip for an upcoming episode of Khloe Kardashian's show Kocktails with Khloe that he got a phone because "somebody decided they wanted to marry Kris Humphries."
"I wasn't up to anything, and I looked on the internet and there was Kim Kardashian with some extremely tall person, and I was like I need to call her or something," he says. He then used his phone to spam Kim with photos of tall basketball players that "used to be cool" but now wear their pants super high and, I guess, aren't cool anymore. Pants are a recurring criteria for assessing coolness in Kanye's world, and these aging NBA players represented Kim's future, he warned.
I am a big fan of Kim and Kanye. I believe their love is real. But I really can't believe Kanye lived years without a phone, especially after all his crazy times with his MacBook Air and his vocal admiration of Steve Jobs. Kanye's even making his own mobile app in memory of his mom, Donda.
your pants are essential to assessing your cool
But ok, maybe Kanye didn't like the distraction of a cellphone in his life. He still doesn't have a public Instagram or Snapchat. Though he has a Twitter account, his rants tend to come in quick bursts. Plus, John Legend, who's also featured on Khloe's show, backed up Kanye's story and said he remembered those phone-less days, so we know Kanye isn't lying. This whole situation really makes me wonder: how did Kanye live without a cellphone? Here is how I'm making sense of the situation:
1. Cellphones are mainly used to build and maintain relationships, whether they be friendly, romantic, or professional. Maybe Kanye has no friends, and maybe Kanye doesn't really care to conduct business. This seems likely. I mean, his song "Real Friends" laments the fact that there are so many fake people in this world. No one is real! Who needs fake friends!
2. Being able to access navigation and get directions to wherever you're going makes phones necessary. Kanye has personal drivers; directions aren't needed.
3. We non-millionaries use Siri, Cortana, and all those other bots to feel like fancy celebs who have people waiting to do their bidding. Kanye doesn't need the bots because he's got real assistants who help him with everything, and he can demand whatever he wants whenever he wants, even hurried croissant purchases. When it comes to love, though, Kanye knows all actions have to come from the heart. Kim would see through his assistant's faked attempts at courtship. Only Kanye, the true Kanye, would send photos of aging NBA players as a diss.
Shout out to cell phones, making love a reality all over the world, for us normals and for those famous peeps.