Will the new, undead Jon Snow be hotter than the previous Jon Snow, or less hot? That's my only question about the upcoming season of Game of Thrones, since I've given up on expecting the narrative to be logical or emotionally rewarding.
Before we move forward in answering this question, please don't give me any guff about spoilers. Everyone with a pulse knows that Jon Snow no longer has one. Even people totally cut off from society, stranded in the wilderness, guarding a mythical ice wall, know this.
spoilers follow if you've been living in dumb Mereen for the last 11 months
Before we get started on the possibly new Jon Snows and their hot factor, we have five-seasons-worth of previous Jon Snow incarnations (we are reborn every day you guys!) to sort through. So many Jon Snows, and just one little me, oh dear! (If that line doesn't get edited out you should call Christopher Plante and ask him what kind of website he thinks he is running. [Ed. Note: A Kit Harrington Angelfire web ring, last I checked.])
Season one — the early years:
For the record, I Would Not, if only because Jon looks about 16 and Robb is still in the picture. I don't think this hair length is doing Jon any favors, unless the favor he asked his hair was "make me look like Marcia Clark."
Season two — Fake Wildling and reluctant Romeo:
I know there are passionate Jon and Ygritte shippers who make cheesy love memes of this pair of beautiful goons all day long, but I just couldn't get behind it. Jon Snow and Ygritte shared a lot of truly awkward and terrible-looking intimacies, including this early one. And much like IRL unconvincing couple Zayn Malik and Gigi Hadid, I am sure the only thing they have in common is their hotness. Just goes to show — objectively beautiful people are not always the people you subjectively want to spoon.
Season three — Back to black:
Jon betrays Ygritte, but she's not that sad about it because she gets to shoot him a little bit and because his hair looks like hell right now. I should talk to my therapist about this, but this is the hottest Jon Snow has ever looked to me. His baby face is gone! Season three Jon Snow is like, "Baby face? What baby face? I'm a heart-breaking, jaw bone-having, killing machine, who's too hot to care what my hair is doing!"
Season four — Dang, we're playing the Game of Thrones now!:
... (*walks to the Vox Media NYC HQ kitchen and gets self a glass of water*)
Season five, part one — A hot leader on the verge:
Jon Snow has grown up a lot since season two, in which he shouted lies about being a virgin on multiple occasions. He's leading an army, he has a new hot friend, and at least some people think he should be king of the whole Northern half of this dang country. Started from the bottom and now he's here, and super hot.
Season five, part two — Dead:
That didn't last long! Note the face gash that might turn into a scar. Note that if Jon is brought back as a zombie his hair might be frozen at this perfect length for all eternity. Note that he is wearing a leather turtleneck.
Now, we assume that Jon Snow is going to come back to life in season six because it's not our first day in Westeros. We don't know, however, what form he will return in. The way I see it, there are three possibilities.
Season six, scenario one — Wolf Snow:
Jon Snow takes Ghost's body as his earthly host and this becomes the kind of television program in which animals talk. This is a handsome animal. That's as far as I'll go.
Season six, scenario two — Dead Snow:
Jon Snow comes back as a blue-eyed zombie monster and this becomes the kind of television program in which zombie subplots just seriously won't stop happening and being boring. This handy mock-up was made by a FilmFad forum contributor, and I find that it makes me think I'm not as opposed to zombie Jon as I initially thought. Who doesn't want to be pierced by blue eyes while they're being stabbed by a hot, soulless monster?
Season six, scenario three — Scar Snow:
Jon Snow comes back looking just like his pre-death self, but less polite and with more scars. Have you ever seen scars make someone less handsome? Just wondering.
Okay, I've made enough highly inappropriate comments for the day! What do you think, friends?