Biographies have been published for all 26 of the contestants on the upcoming season of The Bachelorette, starring JoJo Fletcher as the Bachelorette. In these detailed accounts of 26 lives, portraits are painted of 26 different people who would love to marry JoJo.
Early frontrunners are Brandon, age 28, whose occupation is listed as "hipster," and Will, 26, who says he would enjoy trading places with John Mayer for a day. Evan, 33, is an "erectile dysfunction expert," and considers chipped nail polish a "dealbreaker." Another gentleman refers to himself as a "lambo" in one answer, and then to his genitalia as a "lambo" in a later answer. One white contestant regrets a period of his life in which he dressed "thuggish." These isolated facts give us a very poor idea of the group as a whole (I hope).
the bachelorette is a show about a hot group of people, not individuals
Of course the best way to learn about someone is to ask about their favorite movies. Each of The Bachelorette contestants provided three of their top films, with the exception of Daniel, who could only think of one movie he likes. I don't especially care to know what each of these men's individual choices say about their personalities, as The Bachelorette is a show about sexy excess, not people. I would rather know what their choices say about them as a group. Here comes some data science!
- 27 percent of the contestants chose a film starring Russell Crowe as one of their favorite movies, while 23 percent chose a film starring Matt Damon. Conclusion: roughly half of the contestants on The Bachelorette love either Russell Crowe or Matt Damon, though apparently none of them love both.
- 96 percent of the contestants chose favorite films that unequivocally star a man, and one of the contestants enjoyed Princess Bride. Conclusion: the contestants on The Bachelorette truly love a movie where women don't talk.
- 23 percent of the contestants chose Gladiator as one of their favorite films, while 15 percent of the contestants chose Dumb and Dumber. Conclusion: the contestants on The Bachelorette love overrated dramas, overrated comedies, or both.
- 15 percent of the new Bachelorette contestants listed, as one or more of their favorite movies, inaccurate titles for said movies. Conclusion: the contestants on The Bachelorette have better things to do with their time than know the precise titles for the movies they love best. For example, responding to survey questions by making jokes about how women are just pretending when they say they're willing to pay for dinner.
- 88 percent of the new Bachelorette contestants did not list one film starring a non-white person. Conclusion: the contestants on The Bachelorette say things like "that movie just isn't relevant to my life," as a code for something else that it is not polite to say.
- 81 percent of the new Bachelorette contestants shared a favorite movie with another of the new Bachelorette contestants. Conclusion: Thursday night movie nights in the Bachelor Mansion will be pretty amicable, and very boring.
The Bachelorette premieres May 23rd on ABC. You can watch The Bachelorette contestants' favorite film, Gladiator, for a mere $2.99 on virtually any video-streaming service, if you're interested in getting a gist for their collective personality before the show airs.