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It's time you learned the truth about kangaroos

It's time you learned the truth about kangaroos

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Not a lot of people know this, but kangaroos are diabolical creatures with the minds of disgruntled toddlers and the bodies of Zac Efron in the upcoming Baywatch movie. You may be thinking, "Wow, harsh words, Dami!" But I've always known the truth and I am glad that it's finally coming to light. Don't believe me? Just look at all the evidence.

Exhibit A: This video uploaded by Cat Karskens, already shared by 18,000 people, all of whom now understand that kangaroos are indignant, malignant spirits easily confused by glass doors:

Did this change your perception of kangaroos from friendly Australian mammals to cold-blooded killing machines? I hope it did. If you insist on being a fool who clings to childish memories of kangaroos as cuddly pets, then look no further than Exhibit B:

This grainy footage of a kangaroo choking out another kangaroo like it’s auditioning for the UFC may be the most disturbing thing I've seen on the internet. I half expected the clip to cut away to Arrested Development's Boyfights. I don't know how the person filming this didn't immediately drop the camera and run, because I very clearly saw that kangaroo whisper, "Shh... it's just dreams now" into the dying kangaroo's ear.

I return to this nightmare so regularly that my autocomplete suggestion for "kang" on YouTube is "kangaroo fight choke" and "kangaroo chokes out kangaroo."


Here we have Exhibit C: Kangaroos are swole af.

The father and son filming this video are god-dang fools if they think they are protected from this kangaroo by those flimsy wires. "Hehehe!!" the child giggles in the background, unaware that this kangaroo could rip out his throat in one fell swoop, Mortal Kombat style.

And lastly, Exhibit D:

This footage of a Kangaroo smashing through a car windshield is straight out of a horror movie. And with that, I hope that any positive feelings you had about kangaroos have been thrown in the rubbish bin!

I leave you now with this poll to sound off:


What ARE Kangaroos, really?

This poll is closed

  • 45%
    Horrifying beast-demons super into Crossfit
    (1111 votes)
  • 22%
    Chihuahua faces on the body of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
    (543 votes)
  • 8%
    Three kids stacked on top of each other in furry suits
    (186 votes)
  • 25%
    Aimless UFC fighters of the animal kingdom
    (619 votes)
2459 votes total