The Disney film Frozen, which I have admittedly only watched once in its entirety and that was in a minivan, is a constant burden to me. It has murdered so many things that I care deeply about and today it has done so for the 14th time.
To recap, here are the first 13 things Frozen murdered right in front of my very eyes:
- Idina Menzel, who used to be the brightest light on Broadway and is now one half of a meme
- Taylor Swift's dignity
- The Broadway adaptation slot I had hoped would go to the far superior Disney animated film Princess and the Frog
- Snowman building, as an apolitical activity with no singing
- My family minivan road trip to Toronto
- My hope that Avenue Q creator Bobby Lopez would not see greater success
- Platinum braids
- Saying "let it go" for any reason, in any context
- Elegant gloves
Anyway, Frozen's latest victim is the best ride in all of Disney World, and the only good ride in Disney World's Epcot. Until very recently, the Norway section of Epcot had a viking-themed boat ride called "Maelstrom," which educated its passengers with a brief summary of Norway's admittedly fake-sounding history. It was great. The voice acting did a competent job, there was just enough splashing to make the whole thing seem dangerous, and because it was an educational boat ride about Norway, you never had to wait in line. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have been on this ride at least 40 times, and that my parents really overdid it RE: trips to Disney World.
Now how will I learn fake stories about vikings?
Coincidentally, Frozen's animation is based on a "research field trip" that the lead animator took to Norway. Therefore it was easy for Disney to reoutfit the ride to tell the history of Elsa and pals. For a second, reading this news, I wondered if Disney had invented Norway in the first place, as part of its plan to make zillions of dollars off the fact that Norway exists. But that's crazy.
The new ride opened this morning and the wait to board it has been sitting at a sweet 300 minutes all day. I am really not trying to be a curmudgeon or a brat, but Disney has ruined my life and all future trips to Disney World. I could have used Maelstrom as an educational reason to make my future children escort me to Disney World twice per year, but now I'm going to have take them to the Hall of Presidents. My kids are going to hate me.
On top of how this story affects me and my Very Important feelings, it's also just genuinely rude. Epcot is supposed to force American children to reckon with the fact that the world does contain other countries. Now the main attraction in "Norway" is a ride based on an American movie that is loosely, aesthetically based on Norway, but mainly on a Danish book.
Also, it looks terrifying.
What remains of my beautiful childhood memories of Disney World? I suppose just all the time spent with my family, free of the stresses that would come with adulthood. But I guess I can't get that back either. Thanks a lot, time.