It's been a rough season for my Game of Game of Thrones all-animal meme team: Ser Pounce's Feral Menagerie. But as a consummate competitor, I am looking for creative options to defeat my enemies and defy fantasy-league GM and Verge Entertainment Editor Emily Yoshida, who some suspect has rigged the game against me unfairly. I won't name names, but let's just say my source believes himself to be familiar with the matter. In any event, it is clear that I must bend the world to fit my interests, and so I have a humble proposal for my adversaries: let us join forces Sunday night during the Game of Thrones finale.
Give me victory or give me something else to watch
The path to Game of Game of Thrones victory is not like, say, earning 270 electoral votes to become President of the United States; the number of points that can be earned is limited only to the imaginations of HBO writers, who appear this season to have directly adapted their Dungeons & Dragons sessions for television. (More to the point, the number of points that can be earned is really subject to the prejudicial sentiments of the league manager, though I will stop short of shouting accusations and instead whisper them to my little birds.) But differences aside, in Game of Thrones, as in elections, coalitions can build victories that were once thought impossible. As it stands, Ser Pounce's Feral Menagerie is in 10th and last place, with 170 points. There's no way I can win alone, so I must win together.
There is nothing in the Game of Game of Thrones rulebook that prevents players from uniting to cause disquietude in the league. Indeed, you might argue that in a fantasy world where coalitions are constantly forming and dissolving, often with fire and blood and backstabbing, that an eleventh-hour plot is the most Game of Thrones move I could possibly make. Of course, I am sure an arbitrary rule, like "please, T.C, that's a ridiculous idea that nobody would ever accept, least of all me, your league manager Emily," will be instituted to preserve the integrity of the game. Nonetheless, I plan to pay the Iron price.
Five past noon, Saturday, June 25th, Two-Thousand-Sixteen. Five ravens depart.
One to house Opam,
One to house Tiffany,
One to house Zelenko,
One to house Hawkins,
One to house Bishop.
Sisters. Brothers. Westerosi.
I now call upon you in a time of great need. Our wards represent the diaspora of Stark blood: House Opam with Jon Snow and Benjen Stark; House Tiffany with Sansa and Catelyn Stark; House Zelenko with Arya Stark; House Hawkins with Bran Stark; House Bishop with Rickon Stark; and House Sottek with Nymeria Stark, the flesh-and-fur-and-blood of House Stark's sacred sigil.
Our world seeks to divide us, but our troubles unite us. Even now, victory for our foes is within their reach — but the north must remember. It must remember how House Grush rose to power on the sins of Ramsay Bolton. If we remain apart, House Grush will dispatch us with ease, forcing us to remain at the corners of the world: far from hope and home. But if we unite, we will be unstoppable.
The one god may intervene in our shared quest, but we must not be deterred. The north must remember. We must remember. And we must argue about this on the couch Sunday night when we all get together to watch episode 10. I mean, dragons should have scored way more points. This is so unfair.