Porsche unveiled the new Panamera today. That's cool, but like many product unveilings across many industries, the introduction was preceded by an on-stage hypefest that was only loosely connected with reality. (See: Samsung's Zoll, Qualcomm at CES 2013, the list goes on.) So let's just go through a quick list of things that happened during the Porsche event:

1. A guy threw a courage rag

2. Cosmopolitan bros stared directly through my soul

3. I was momentarily rendered unconscious by a disorienting ribbon dance

4. This dude

5. Two bros who I don't believe have ever used apps before came out and swiped in thin air like they're in Minority Report and then high-fived each other

6. Backflip guy

The Porsche 911 Targa 4S is a speed demon’s dream