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Game of Thrones: a guide to all of the newbies in tonight's episode

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HBO

We could not wait for the morrow to chop up this week's episode of Game of Thrones, so please join us for a spoiler-filled reaction to the biggest moments of the night.

Needless to say, please do not join us if you haven't seen the episode yet. That would not be fun for you or for our inboxes!

[SERIOUS SPOILERS for episode seven of Game of Thrones and A Song of Ice and Fire below]

Kaitlyn Tiffany: Loren, is it just me, or were there a lot of newbies / spontaneous returns in this episode? We're three weeks from the end of the season! What's with this late entry party?

Loren Grush: I quite enjoyed seeing some of my old favorites (plus a few of these characters are on my Game of Game of Thrones team, and I'm desperate for some points). It's been far too long since we've seen Bronn and heard his questionably modern vernacular. But there was barely enough time to celebrate their return with all these new folks.

GOT- septon

Kaitlyn: I know we're supposed to be super excited about The Hound and Septon Meribald and their vegan commune right now, but all I want to talk about is Lyanna Mormont. For a 10-year-old she is quite the hard-ass.

Loren: Yes, let's focus on the shining beacon of fierceness that was Lyanna. She has mastered the art of Sheryl Sandberg's Leaning In and is all about shaming people about their last names.

Kaitlyn: I appreciated how much Lyanna loathed Davos for mansplaining White Walkers to her, and that she, unlike every dumb dude in Westeros, believed him! But how did Jon, Sansa, and Davos get to Bear Island that quickly? For one thing, it's an island. For another, it is in a bay of ice. For a third, why did they go there first when Deepwood Motte (pit stop #2, where Sansa gets read to her face by Galbart Glover, a man wearing a Gigi Hadid-style choker) is probably the port they would have had to set sail from?

GOT- lyanna

Loren: All great questions, Kaitlyn, but as we've learned with this show, hundreds of miles of Westeros geography can be traversed in one simple scene change. But even besides feasibility, that whole recruitment process was cringeworthy. It reminded me of when I was forced to sell coupon books in my neighborhood to raise money for my high school's theater department. No one really wants you at their house, but they feel bad for you because they know your parents.

Kaitlyn: There was one other new face this week: Septon Meribald, it was nice to know you. Book readers have awaited you on baited breath for months, and now you have come and gone faster than Christmas morning. You had some great lines, like "We're talking about life," and "It's never too late to stop robbing people and stop killing people." Thank you for being the fourth hanged man whose bloated purple face we've had to look at in close-up this season.

GOT - hound 2

Loren: Meribald is definitely the hip priest who curses, so the kids/everyone in Westeros can relate to him. But Meribald is already ancient history to me. Let's focus on the return of the Blackfish, whose bladder saved him from Frey slaughter. He's somehow made his way back to Riverrun and is reminding everyone that he owned the castle first, so, like, they can't have it.

GOT-blackfish

Kaitlyn: Even though Game of Thrones is once again feeling very crowded, it was still really nice to see the Blackfish! Especially for you, since you drafted him out from under my nose. Clive Russell was occasionally slipping into a Robert DeNiro impression I didn't quite understand, but I still wanted to stand up and cheer when he roasted Jaime, who really deserves it right now. I can't remember the last time he said something that wasn't related to incest.

GOT - blackfish

Loren: Second best fart joke of this season, behind Grand Maester Pycelle’s nervous toot in episode three.

Kaitlyn: Also, yes, of course, the Hound is back. How would you rate your "Clegane Bowl" hype on a scale of 1 to 10? I think I was at an 11 after this visual throwback to the Ryan Reynolds-helmed 2005 remake of The Amityville Horror.

GOT - amytville

Loren: My Clegane Bowl hype still remains low. Sure the Hound is going all Paul Bunyan, but Zombie Gregor has been such a snooze this season. Apart from his one head crush, he’s morphing more into Hodor than a Hulked out body guard.

Kaitlyn: You’re probably right. Ultimately I’m just hopeful that the introduction of Lyanna Mormont means we will see yet another newbie, Wylla Manderly! Like Lyanna, Wylla has no chill and can’t keep her Stark loyalties under wraps even while sitting in a Frey frathouse. The more "the North remembers" moments we get, the better. Also she dyes her hair green because lol teens.


Learning the Game of Thrones theme song on a futuristic keyboard