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Illustrated Bachelorette recap: this Chad is on fire

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#ThatsSoChad

The Chad Show continues, and I hope he stays on the show for as long as humanly possible because that boy is drama! It’s always Chadroulette with him, you never know what you’re going to get!

ABC’s really been hyping up this episode with dramatic teasers of this week’s "two-night television event," and last night’s episode ended with shots of dudes bleeding from the face and (presumably) Chad’s wounded knuckles. But knowing how The Bachelorette producers love a good troll, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s revealed in tonight’s episode that the only reason they’re bleeding is because they all somehow managed to impale each other at the pool party while running around on the slippery tiles with their weird, spiky puka shell necklaces.

bachelorette pool

JoJo picks Chase for the first one-on-one date of the episode, and boy, was it hard to watch. The date was like a Groupon deal gone horribly awry, in that they go in expecting to take a hot yoga class and end up humping the air while a shady instructor made them chant "Hey!" repeatedly, just like in that Lumineers song.

Speaking of possibly unlicensed yoga instructors with questionable training, god bless all the non-contestant characters on today’s episode! From the girl who could orgasm on command on stage at open mic night ("I never asked for this" -everyone) to the cameo-thirsty security guard patrolling the Bachelor mansion in case of a roid-rage Chad attack, they were the true stars of this episode. And by "god bless" I actually mean, "Where did they find these people?"

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This week’s group date takes JoJo and 12 men to a spoken word event where the guys have to share their most embarrassing sex stories. Evan is thrilled by this news, as his actual profession is Erectile Dysfunction Expert and "this is just another day at the office" for him. I am thrilled by this news because it’s like The Bachelorette producers heard my pleas from last week’s recap to explore other contestant professions in the interest of fairness.

I guess the guys’ stories would have been much too raunchy for network TV, so the producers cut out pretty much everything. Except they may have left too much up to our own imaginations when the only snippet of Damn Daniel’s story we got was how he always has a knife on him and he cut off some girl’s hair as part of a freaky sex thing. The camera cut to a quick shot of him drawing some kind of stick figure during the 45-min prep period, and I can only guess what kind of scene it might have been depicting:

bachelorette daniel

With tensions at an all-time high in the house, Evan uses the opportunity to take some cheap shots at Chad, insinuating that he takes steroids. Chad does not take this well, and grabs Evan by the back of his American Apparel v-neck, stretching it out a comical amount.

evan bachelorette

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Honestly I’m glad Chad stretched out his shirt. Evan is a manipulative jerk ("A kid bullying the bully," as Chad described him to a confused JoJo) who basically tattled and scammed his way to a pity rose from JoJo because he declared he would leave if Chad continued to stay in the house.

JoJo is truly torn on this ultimatum because she’s still intrigued by Chad, which is when I realized that Chad is the epitome of the man from this brilliant Onion article, "Man Coasting Through Life Entirely On Benefit Of Doubt." She’s like that friend you give advice to like, "Girl, you know he’s bad for you!!" and she’s all defiant like, "I know what I’m doing, I’m following my heart for once!" and one week later you’re sitting at a Chili’s downing margaritas, listening to her overanalyze where it all went wrong.

So yes, Chad’s an unstable douche, but I get where JoJo’s coming from. I gained so much respect for him when I found out this past week that in his spare time, Chad likes to buy domain names for fun and is squatting on sites like joelle-fletcher.com and other Bachelorette contestants’ names, like robbyhayes.com. They all redirect to his Instagram, which is filled with over-filtered shirtless pics and of course, Chad memes.

Let's take a break from Chad for a moment. (I know, like why would we ever, right? But bear with me here.) JoJo took James T. the muppet singer-songwriter on a one-on-one date that included a 1950s costumed group dance number that looked like it was straight out of a Johnny Rockets training video for new employees. James T. is wearing suspenders you know he's been saving since prom for a chance to wear again, and JoJo's rocking a vintage pin-up hairstyle and I was into it. The two of them take a swing dance class taught by an elderly woman who had clearly been waiting for someone, anyone to redeem that Groupon.

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I know I'm not in the position to judge anyone for their dance moves but real (bad) recognize real (bad). James T. has two left feet, and you can't convince me that JoJo wasn't actually dancing with a cardboard cutout.

bachelorette james

The date ends with them sitting in their retro convertible overlooking the beautiful, moon-lit scenery, which gets James T. in the romantic mood to share his childhood bullying traumas (Straight up LOL at "They used to call me Luke Longneck, which doesn't even make sense," props to JoJo for keeping a straight face during that.)

And of course, James T. wouldn't be James T. if he didn't carry around a guitar with him everywhere he went. He whips out his "second baby" and starts serenading an ecstatic JoJo with Wonderwall some song he wrote, and they kiss! I can't find anything bad to say about this, he brings out her Texas accent when they're together and it's adorable!!

But we're not here for that. We're here for Chad, the showdown, and whether he actually comes through on his threat to "chop everyone's legs off." Guess we'll find out tonight.