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Illustrated Bachelorette recap: the horse whisperer

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A half-dozen men are left to compete for the heart of JoJo. For Bachelorette fans who watch the show for the emotional deconstruction of grown men, this is when hours of contextual investment pay off in sweet, syrupy boy tears. With hometown visits on the horizon, JoJo has big decisions to make this episode. Anyone who she feels lukewarm about, it’s bye-bye time! Except Luke, who we know is the frontrunner and she feels MORE than warm about, if you know what I mean.

Alex gets the first one-on-one date, and JoJo takes him to the countryside for a gaucho experience, which is really just an excuse for the producers to make the poor dude look as much like Lord Farquaad as possible.

It really is a picturesque scene though, the two of them riding on horses in their gaucho outfits. Alex looks at JoJo and mutters, "You look like something out of a Ralph Lauren Model Magazine." Ah yes, RL Model Magazine, my favorite monthly, along with other subscriptions like Tommy Hilfiger Unpaid Fashion Intern Magazine and Calvin Klein Giant Justin Bieber Underwear Bulge Billboard in SoHo Magazine.

Then we watch an actual, professional gaucho work his magic on a horse. He lays the horse on its back, stretching it, rubbing its tummy, and whispering sweet nothings into its ear. I am learning new things from The Bachelorette, not just that all men are snakes and to never trust anyone named Chad!

gaucho

I don’t know if this is just me hearing what I want to hear but I swear to god the gaucho gets up and tells JoJo and Alex, "You can spoon in the floor with your heads on the neck of the horse." So off they go onto the grass to make out on top of a horse’s head.

"I’m your goocho," says Alex, trying to be romantic. "It’s gaucho," JoJo corrects him.

After a full day of horse erotica, JoJo and Alex have a heart-to-heart, where he confesses his love to her. Big mistake! She tells him that she respects him too much to keep him around when she likes other people more. Luke and Jordan, for example, who she clearly has more chemistry with, and presumably know how to pronounce gaucho, which we now know is high on her checklist. See you later, Alex.

The next one-on-one date is with Jordan, who spends most of his on-screen time trying to convince us, JoJo, and the other contestants that he is NOT entitled just because his brother is NFL quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Unfortunately, it’s hard to believe him when this is how he arrives to his date:

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The two spend the day stomping on grapes and drinking each others’ foot juices before having A Serious Conversation about Jordan’s family. Jordan tells JoJo about his strained relationship with his Famous Brother NFL Quarterback Aaron Rodgers, and you can see the disappointment wash over JoJo’s face:

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Next, Robby, James, and Chase have a three-on-one date with JoJo. The rain forces them to stay holed up in their hotel suite and you know what that means — it’s a bottle episode, y’all! The four of them play games like Pictionary, Truth or Dare, and Let’s Stuff 25 Large Wedge Fries into James’ Mouth So He Nearly Suffocates and Dies.

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Later, JoJo and Robby have a private talk outside, where he tells her about his very, very recent break-up with an ex of four years. Like, four months ago recent. How is this even possible? Did they break up because he was applying for The Bachelorette while she had her back turned?!

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Somehow this isn’t a HUGE RED FLAG to JoJo, who I have given up on at this point. I was rooting for you! We all were! She gives Robby a rose and she’ll be meeting his family next week, who I hope is as plastic waxy and Ken doll-like as he is.

The biggest tragedy of the night comes when JoJo has to send James home, probably because she couldn’t fathom seeing him as anything other than The Hamburglar after that french fry challenge. He cries, she cries, I cry — for Argentina, for love, and for all of those wasted carbs.