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Illustrated Bachelorette recap: Robby loves JoJo, his dad said so

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Last week's episode ended on a To Be Continued, with JoJo popping a squat on a tarmac at the rose ceremony to sob deeply at Luke's confession of love. A totally normal reaction to have when someone tells you they love you! But to be fair to our girl JoJo, nothing about this show is normal, nor makes any sense.

Despite telling her exactly what she wanted to hear, Luke gets sent home anyway. At this point JoJo has shown her ineptitude at making sound / reasonable decisions time and time again, so none of us should really be surprised that she sent the best contestant home. Luke is stunned: "I was IN love with her, but I never got the chance TO love her," and for a second I thought I was back in grade school learning about prepositions.

the bachelorette

JoJo and Luke cry passionately over what could have been  before JoJo sends him away in a limo. She's over it in 30 seconds though, because the rest of them are headed to Thailand baby, wooo!!

Robby is the first to meet up with JoJo in Thailand, and they have a heart-to-heart about Robby's ex... while getting foot massages. She tells him she's glad that he brought it up to her, and they smooch it up in the rain. I'm starting to notice a pattern where literally every time JoJo turns down a better, more eligible option to be with Robby, the decision is followed up immediately by an intense thunderstorm. For our sake, let's hope these two don't end up together so that they don't cause any natural disasters.

bachelorette

Just in case JoJo starts to doubt where Robby's heart is at, he shows her a note that *air quotes* "his dad" "wrote" for him, like a nerd forging a note from his parent to get out of gym class.

bachelorette

Then it's Robby's turn to get a note from another father figure (Chris Harrison), and it contains a key inviting him to the fantasy suite. Cha-ching! For those not in the know, the fantasy suite represents the first time the couples get to spend an entire night together. It is usually spent doing wholesome activities like praying and registering to vote.

I'm not sure how much time is intended to pass between each overnight date, but if TV time is real time (which it 100 percent is), JoJo leaves Robby in the hotel to go on her date with Jordan the next day. They go hiking to a sacred temple, where they try to respect the culture by covering up and not making out all over each other. They interpret this to mean that the rest of Thailand is fair game though.

bachelorette

Then it's time for the fun, sexy times to end and JoJo gets real. She grills Jordan about his plan for the next year and wants to know if their lifestyles are compatible. Jordan flashes a smile that James T. would have dreams about and feeds her more clichés like, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Just when I thought we were making progress with JoJo, she totally falls for it and is like, "Ahh all right, here's the key to the fantasy suite! Bring your Bible!"

The next date is with Chase, and they spend the day frolicking on the beach and waving at monkeys. Robby, unable to take the crippling loneliness of being in the hotel room by himself, stops by to see JoJo when she returns. He doesn't want what happened to Luke to happen to him, so he takes every opportunity to tell her he loves her, and to remind her who he is again.

bachelorette

Although Chase is an emotionless baked potato, I will say that he seems like the most human out of the three who are left. This matters very little to JoJo, because she immediately sends him home when he confesses that he loves her, after she already gave him the key to the fantasy suite. Though I'm mad as hell right now, we the viewers are rewarded because in being blindsided, Chase's true self — a comedic genius — emerges. He storms out and somehow finds a beer on his way to the dingy reject's van and quips, "Oh, is this my fantasy suite?" before getting in.

I'm getting "Oh, is this my fantasy suite?" tattooed on the inside of my eyelids because I'm going to be repeating that line for any place I walk into.

There's no need to make any tough decisions at the rose ceremony at the end, because Jordan and Robby are going to meet JoJo's family in next week's finale. Chase comes back to apologize to JoJo and mend any burned bridges, so he can be the next Bachelor, probably and hopefully.