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If you ask me, pumpkin spice lattes should come sooner

If you ask me, pumpkin spice lattes should come sooner

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FLICKR lara604 Cafe Latte

Everyone has an opinion about pumpkin spice lattes, but here's the only thing about them that is objectively true: I should not have to wait until September to buy one.

the world's most controversial drink is pretty much fine, and i just kinda want one so chill

PSLs ("P"umpkin "S"pice "L"attes) have suffered at least 18 backlashes since their inception: they’re overpriced; they don’t have real pumpkin in them; they’re for basic bitches; please stop ignoring chai lattes; they contain too many calories; the decorative cinnamon gets stuck to your face; too much food coloring; too much marketing; Dunkin Donuts sells them now so RIP to your favorite Status Marker; there is not enough religion on Starbucks’ cups; pumpkins are the blandest squash; everything enjoyed by women is terrible; "personally I prefer apple cider if I want to get in "That Fall Mood'"; the best seasonal drink is a peppermint mocha; peppermint and coffee don’t go together; the best seasonal drink is a salted caramel mocha; I don't see what could possibly be considered seasonal about salted caramel; since when is fall something worth celebrating anyway, it's when football starts and Jay Gatsby gets murdered.

And yet, the only thing wrong with PSLs is that they’re not available always. If they were, we would stop talking about them. Only seasonal coffee beverages — like cold brew and gingerbread and that time people were drinking espresso with seltzer— cause an uproar. Have you seen any blog posts recently about whether or not hibiscus iced tea should be a thing?

I worked at a mid-level coffee franchise in a suburban mall from ages 16 to 21 and we had an insane roster of seasonal drinks — pistachio lattes, red velvet Oreo "chillers," watermelon iced tea lemonade slushies, frozen hot chocolate with real soft serve ice cream mix, Authentic Italian Cappuccinos (false advertising), chocolate orange dream cake mochas, caramel apple nut toddy, and a blended thing called a "Sleighride" that was so popular we had to put extra people on the schedule just to unwrap peppermints into buckets. People bought them even though they were repulsive, because we have all been told since birth that variety is the spice of life. To that I say "no!" You know what is the spice of life? Pumpkin.*

Bring me a PSL, and let us all go back to being productive members of society who don’t get distracted by novelty twice per quarter.

*Cinnamon, nutmeg, clove, corn syrup.

TL;DR: this song but "PSLs" instead of "cookies," and "always" instead of "sometimes." Cookie Monster can stay.